Maybe I’m old-fashioned but I’m sorry, a lot of this stuff makes me sick. Ordinary (single) pierced ears on a woman, okay. A small ear piercing on a dude, okay. Even a tongue piercing on a hot chick can be okay if only because it says that giving head is so incredibly central to her existence that she’s willing to have a hole drilled through her friggin tongue and have a mini barbell placed there and put up with excruciating pain and speak with a lisp just so she can be a tiny bit better at hoovering a johnson. Okay. Daddy likes that. But these other things? Like the twenty piercings in a single ear? Or the chin or lip or eyebrow? Or nose rings? Stop. Belly button piercing on a cute girl, maybe — but only if you have a hot belly, and that is a very important if. Put it this way, if you have to ask your friends if they think you can pull it off, you can’t. The rest of these things people do, like nipples and genitalia? No. Full stop.

The worst one of all and the one I’m seeing all the time lately is this one (above) where idiots put a giant ring in their earlobe and stretch it out. Honestly, it makes me want to puke. I actually get dizzy when I see it. Maybe you hate your dad because he didn’t love you enough, or you hate yourself because you work at a coffee bar and live in a shitty apartment and your life hasn’t turned out to be as awesome as you’d hoped and you’re thinking that maybe if you just do something really fucked up to your body it will make you feel better about yourself. Listen to me: It won’t. You’ll just end up old and gray with ears like a basset hound. Okay? Now be like all the other mental cases and go see a shrink.