Oh my God. Do this right away. Pull up another browser window and go to the Forbes website, www.forbes.com. Near top of page, select “Org Chart Wiki.” Enter “Apple Inc.” and you’ll pull up our company’s org chart. You can mouse over everyone’s name and up pops a yellow box which has their their title, eg, I’m listed as “CEO,” and Jerome B. York is listed as “director.” Mouse over Eric Schmidt’s name. He’s listed as a “vagina.” I just tried this and it works. I’m begging you, do this quickly, before they find it and fix it. Friggin priceless. Squirrel Boy, I swear I had nothing to do with this. But I wish I had. Nor did I have anything to do with listing Bill Campbell of Intuit as “Big Willy V. Campbell” with a title of “rapper.” I swear.

UPDATE: This baby keeps changing. Squirrel Boy is gone. No doubt Google’s goons erased it. So much for “radical transparency.” But Big Willy V. Campbell is still there. And Al Gore is now listed as “Inventor of the Internet” and “Jesus H. Christ” is some kind of VP. To whoever is doing this: Nice work. But rest assured that our former Sayeret Matkal commandos will hunt you down and sue you. BTW I don’t know why people are only picking on Apple. I just checked Sun’s page — no mention of My Little Pony or Scott “Brain Damage” McNealy. Same for Google’s page — no mention of squirrels. What gives?

UPDATE: It’s 9 a.m. and I just came in from a T’ai Chi workout and checked the org chart wiki. Eric Schmidt is back on the Apple page and listed as a “vagina.” And Fake Steve Jobs is on there too, listed as “VP of Misinformation.” Sick.