Report from Cannes

Poor Jerry Seinfeld. Look, I was a fan of his TV show. Sort of. But this bee thing is really sad. He’s been walking around wearing the costume all weekend, going into restaurants and hotels and cafes, and disrupting movie screenings and press conferences, trying to steal the spotlight from everyone else. Funny for the first twelve hours or so. But since then? Lame. Nobody’s laughing. They’re just annoyed. Plus, we saw the thirty minutes of the film that they’re showing here. They sent a DVD to my hotel. It’s beyond awful. Really. Writeups like this are trying to be kind. But you can read between the lines. Like when Chris Rock says it’s cool because Seinfeld wrote the whole movie himself, and explains, “Most animated movies are made by committee, and the comedy is scattered. They’re great, but this one feels like a handmade suit.” Um, yeah. It feels like a handmade suit made by a blind tailor. That’s the line he left off. Jerry, you were a funny standup guy, and you did well using Larry David’s material on your TV show. But you shouldn’t be trying to write a movie. There’s a reason why Pixar always brings in a team to punch up the scripts. Not saying our movies are better. But, um, they are. A lot better.

In other news, the Michael Moore movie is amazing. Huge. The man is a genius on a par with Leni Riefenstahl, and I don’t say that lightly.

What else. Oh yeah. The Edge flew in Friday, and last night he and Bono beat the shit out of some English guy in a bar. Something about soccer teams. We were in an Irish bar and the Brit and his pals started singing songs and doing these taunts and saying the guys in U2 are a bunch of rockstar fairies. The main guy was this big scary dude with chains on his neck and a shaved head, singing about Manchester or something. Next thing I know The Edge goes over the table and he’s into this guy like a mad dog, using his teeth and smashing a bottle over the guy’s head. Bono leapt in with his boots and kicked in the guy’s ribs. Ugly. Cops were called, but we split in time. And nobody saw nuffing. Bono says it’s an Irish thing. Nobody squeals.