Bill Gates, I am going to make you my bitch!

Well it’s less than 48 hours until my historic showdown with Bill Gates at the D conference on Wednesday. Or, as it’s now known, the Gunfight at the Goatberg Corral. I’ve been rehearsing all weekend and so far in our sparring rounds I’ve won 10 and lost zero against Guy Kawasaki. We’re using the same list of questions that we’ve fed to Goatberg. And we’ve tried to anticipate where Gates will try to sting me. Example, the price of the iPhone being too high. My response? This just shows how Apple has totally gained the upper hand in the market and can command a huge premium for its products. Market share? Say something about McDonald’s. My old comment about “Microsoft has no taste”? I stand by what I said. Especially since Vista came out and we found it’s just XP in a skirt.

The timing for this could not be more perfect. Here, at D, we’re going to offer a visual representation of Microsoft versus Apple, just like in our “I’m a Mac” ads. Gates surly and defensive and covered in dandruff, me classy and bearded and cool. The imagery alone will speak volumes and will call up other comparisons: OS X versus Vista, iPod versus Zune. The idea is just to keep drawing the contrast between us in sharp relief. We just hammer and hammer and hammer on it. (And yes, if you think this D conference set-up was our idea, you’re correct. And if you suspect it’s really a plan between us and Goatberg to ambush Gates, you’re correct again.)

Once I’ve spanked Bill at D and demonstrated how far ahead of them we are, two weeks later at the WWDC we’re going to take a huge leap forward and blow everyone away. Microsoft will be eating our wake. By the end of June, with the iPhone release, our stock will be at $130. Mark my words.

To get myself even more pumped up, every night, after rehearsal, I’ve been watching “Gladiator” and “300.” Morituri te salutamus, as the ancient Spartans used to say.