See painful video here. Gist is, we’ve sold 100 million iPods, so the game is over. We’re toast. Money quote from one of the Capitalist Tools: “The nature of cool is you can’t stay cool for that long. It’s been almost six years. They’re going to have to come up with something else.”

Well, I realize six years seems like a long time to be cool when, um, you’ve never been cool for a single minute in your entire life. But trust me, I’ve been cool for 52 years and I can stay cool for as long as I want. I was cool in high school. I was cool in college. Heck, folks, I was cool in the womb. (Though certain people failed to recognize that coolness, much to their lifelong chagrin, and believe me, they know exactly who they are — the two snobby academics who could have had a son worth $5 billion but they don’t, because they didn’t recognize his coolness. That’s right, you jerks. You’re the Pete Best of parents. Hope you enjoy living out your days in that cut-rate assisted living facility. What’s today? Thursday? I believe dinner is creamed chip beef on toast. Yum.)