The signs of unhappiness are everywhere. Like in this piece by my good friend Leander Kahney who grumbles that Apple stores now are full of “teenage mall rats and iPod noobs” not to mention “peabrains.” Leander frets because we’re putting the iPhone ahead of OS X, and says this reflects a shift in focus away from hardcore computer geeks to the great unwashed hoi polloi. His title: “What’s Happening to Our Lovely Cult?”

Leander, I feel your pain. We all do. Apple employees can’t even bear to go into our retail stores anymore. We hear complaints about this all the time. The 80-by-20-foot multi-touch screen in our lobby is filled with nightmare stories.

One solution we’re considering: A new chain of “Apple Elite” stores where you have to pass a test to get in. We’d put the test on a really cool multi-touch screen outside the door. If you pass, click, the door opens, just like on an ATM booth. If you fail, too bad, you can just stand outside trying to look through the smoked glass at all the super cool Apple cultists. Apple security guards will make sure you don’t try to sneak in when one of the elite customers is leaving. An Apple “concierge” will direct you to the closest regular Apple store, where you can shop with the rest of the frigtards.

Here’s one sample question:

CORRECTLY MATCH THE FOLLOWING PEOPLE TO THEIR PHOTOGRAPHS. YOU MUST GET ALL FIVE CORRECT TO ENTER.

1. Andy Hertzfeld. 2. Burrell Smith. 3. Steve Wozniak. 4. Kobun Chino. 5. Bill Atkinson.

Faithful, we need lots of questions. So send in your suggestions.