So look. I didn’t pick this fight. But God knows I’m not going to back down. These guys want to make pictures of me in a jester’s hat? Fine. They want to act all morally superior? Whoa there. Not so fast, freetards. Fact is, the FSF is an organization so corrupt that they make Greenpeace and the United Nations look like saints. Here’s some facts, which I would like to publish under the heading, “J’accuse!” which for those of you who don’t know is Russian for “You suck.”

1. Transparency. The FSF claims to be all about openness, yet it will not disclose the source of its funding or how it spends that money. We demand a complete list of donors and the amounts given by each, and a complete open accounting of the FSF’s spending. Write to info@fsf.org and demand: SHOW US THE MONEY!

2. Secrecy. Why does the FSF website (www.fsf.org) not publish email addresses for its directors? Why do they hide behind generic addresses like “info@fsf.org”? Write to this address and tell them: GIVE US YOUR EMAIL ADDRESSES SO WE CAN HARASS YOU!

3. Hoarding software. For more than 10 years the FSF and its demented leader Richard M. Stallman have been forcing programmers to sign over their copyrights if they want to contribute to GNU projects. This coercion is evil. It’s the same as European settlers taking land from Native Americans. Write to Richard Stallman (rms@gnu.org) and tell him to FREE THE CODE!

4. Selective enforcement. Sure, the FSF is going after Apple. Guess why? We don’t give them money. You know who does give them money? IBM. Yep. Heard any complaints from FSF about IBM suing Amazon and others over software patents? Hmmm. Wonder why. Write to FSF and demand that they STOP IBM’S RUTHLESS ABUSE OF THE PATENT SYSTEM!

5. Few years ago IBM helped create a consortium called OSDL. That group gave $4 million to the FSF’s lawyer, Eben Moglen, so he could create the Software Freedom Law Center. That group fights software patents. Yet, oddly enough, just like FSF, the SFLC hasn’t made a peep about IBM’s patent-related lawsuits. Strange eh? Especially since one lawsuit targets a company called PSI, which is trying to make a low-cost mainframe clone; IBM is attempting to use its monopoly control over the mainframe market to kill a new competitor. Write to Eben Moglen (moglen@gnu.org) and demand that he END THE HYPOCRISY and FILE AMICUS BRIEFS ON BEHALF OF IBM’S VICTIMS!

6. The FSF’s legal researcher and Chief Propaganda Minister, Pamela Jones, claims to be an expert on legal issues yet she’s been on the run for a month, ducking a subpoena. That’s, um, kind of not totally kosher, legalistically speaking. Why is she hiding? It’s been suggested that Jones has taken money from companies she covers on her “Groklaw” blog, including one company that’s involved in a lawsuit (cough IBM cough). Apparently she doesn’t want to give a deposition and deny this under oath. Write to Pamela Jones (pj@groklaw.net) and demand that she COME OUT OF HIDING AND COMPLY WITH THE LAW!

Otherwise, um, we’re going to send all of you people jester’s hats. I mean it. Don’t push me. We’ll do it. I’m totally serious. I’m not even kidding. That’s right. Jester’s hats.