Ask Fake Steve

Well I’ve tried to answer some of the thousands of questions that rolled in from readers. Send more for next week.

Q. the public must know
do you wear boxers or briefs
to hold such big balls?
–Mr. H. Aiku
A: I go commando. Always. Otherwise I get chafing.

Q. Fake Steve, oh power of politics as well as technology: what precautions are being made to ensure Al Gore won’t be standing this election? He can’t be allowed to screw it all up again.
–John Muir
A: No precautions needed. They’re just going to let him start talking. Should do the trick.

Q. Dear FakeSteve: What were you like as a teenager?
–Love, FSJ Fanclub President
A. Lonely, stringy-haired, convinced of my genius. And I never bathed.

Q. Dear Fake Steve. We all know what kind of jeans and shoes you use, but how do you smell? Any preferred aftershave we should know about?
A. How I smell depends on what I’m eating. When I’m 100% fruitarian I smell like flowers and don’t even need to bathe. When I’m eating beans, broccoli or cabbage, keep your distance.

Q. I tried to buy ‘iCon’ via iTunes audiobooks. couldn’t find it. any reasons i may not be aware of..?
–cheers, dim
A. You deserve your name. You’re no longer allowed in our stores.

Q. Dear Sir, I have heard that Apple inc. will be a bigger comapny than Microsoft by 2012 because of all the fabulous products you are doing. So, my questions are: 1. Will this make you wealthier than Bill Gates? and 2. Are you considering running for President of the USA in 2012?
A. 1, Yes. 2, No, I’m running in 2008.

Q. When will you finally evolve into your fourth celestial embodiment, great One?
–Church of Apple
A. This has already occurred. Guess you missed it.

Q. What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? and what is your favorite movie?
A.J. Cardon
A. All questions about swallowing should go to Michael S. Malone. My favorite movie is Nemo.

Q. OK, so I met this really interesting woman online but she bailed when I drunk dialed her to ask her “when are we going to have babies”. (I thought it would be a bonding thing, but it was not.) I think I found her sister using the same dating site (I can’t be sure, but it is a strong possibility) and I want to make a play for her. How would you, FSJ, handle this delicate situation?
A. Rohypnol comes highly recommended.

Q. Fake Steve, if you could vaporize one member of Apple’s board without fear of retribution from pesky stockholders or members of law enforcement, who would it be and why?
–Garrett Albright
A. The dude from J. Crew. I can’t remember his name. Sleeps through all the meetings.

Q. Mr. Steve, you show that you don’t like the Google guys (Squirrel Boy) yet you use their Blogger? Also how the heck did you hook up with Hillary Clinton Blog. She was really rude man.
A. Toki, part of the deal when Squirrel Boy came on our board was that I had to keep using Blogger. As for the Hillary blog, I think it’s the best thing on the Web.

Q. What does the real Steve Jobs think of this blogspot? Does he know about it?
A. I’m told he’s a huge fan of the Bono items.

Q. FSteve: If you could trade places with someone for a day, who would it be?
A. I’d like to be Fred Anderson, so I could see what it feels like to bone myself in the butt.

Q. Will you adopt me?
A. Depends.

Q. What does an 80-year-old lady’s crotch smell like?
A. See answer above.