No, baby, I didn’t forget what day it is. Not at all, lover. How could I? No, I was just teasing you. I wanted to build the suspense a little bit. Because you know, on this day of all days, you’re the only thing I can think about, my sweet dove. And I made you this special Valentine’s Day card, with my own hands, with paper and glue and scissors, so you could have it and look at it and just think of me, and know that I’m thinking of you right back. I even made it while sitting in front of a mirror, so I could see myself thinking about you and think about how sexy it is for me to be thinking of you and you to be thinking of me. Yeah, that’s the word. Sexy. Say it. Breathe softly and say it. Mmmm. Sexy. Girl, you make me want to lick my desk. Now ladies, and I know there are a lot of my readers out there who are ladies, well, if you’re out there tonight, reading this, and you’re home all by yourself, and you’re starting to feel a little bad about all this, well, stop right there. Don’t feel bad. Print out this picture of me. Check out young Steve, all lean and handsome, with that full thick head of dark hair, and those deep soulful almond-shaped eyes, those sexy bare feet, that cup of coffee and loaf of bread, that bottle of wine and those flowers: this is how I want you to imagine me. This was way back, back in the old days, the innocent days. Now just print this one out, ladies, and tape it up on your refrigerator, or bring it to bed with you, or better yet, I’ll tell you what. Call up a florist and order yourself a dozen long-stem red roses. When the flowers arrive, clip this photo to them, along with a note saying they’re from me. Hold those sexy flowers to your nose and drink in their fragrance and remember how special and sexy you are to me. Or better yet, let’s take this to another level. Let’s put the freak on. How about you draw yourself a nice hot bath, and fill that water with sensual bubbles and special oils and such things. Switch off all the lights. Now light yourself some flowery scented candles and some of that sexy sandalwood incense. Put this photo at the foot of your bathtub. Imagine my sexy breath on your neck, my lips next to your ears, saying, Boom. Eighty gigabytes. That’s right. All eighty. Boom. Slip into that bathtub, slowly. Ease yourself in. That’s it. Put some mad crazy sexy lovemaking music on that iPod of yours, and gently … ever so gently … push those earbuds into your ears. Deeper. That’s it. Now a little deeper. Aw, yeah. Now are you feeling me? Because I’m feeling you, lover. I really am. Boom. A touch screen. Feel that? Go ahead. Multi-touch it. Insane, right? Boom. Happy Valentine’s Day.
–Love, Steve
xoxoxo