So about my big interview with the feds

I’m sure you’ve seen all the stories about how I got grilled by some feds last week. It’s true. I did. You cannot believe what total a-holes these guys are. First of all, our PR people asked for a list of questions in advance, and sent back a list of which ones would be allowed, and I had my answers all ready. So what did they do? Right off the bat they go off the list. I’m like, Okay, that’s it, this interview is over. I worked this out beforehand with your producers and if you’re not going to stay on message and talk about the iPhone and the next version of OS X, then you’re wasting my time. These guys informed me that they were going to ask me whatever they wanted, and there was nothing I could do about it. I’m like, Dude, is this true? My lawyers are like, Um, yeah, pretty much. So fine. I’ve got nothing to hide. I’m like, Go ahead, ask me anything. So they were totally trying to trick me, asking the same questions again and again, seeing if I’d answer differently. It’s pure evil. They’re totally just trying to trap you on some minor bullshit like they did with Martha.

So what I did was this. Whatever they asked me I would fold my hands in front of my face, the way I do, and I would wait a long, long time, like a few minutes, as if I were trying to think of an answer — then I’d go, I’m sorry, could you repeat the question? Then when they asked the question again, I’d say something like, “I don’t know.” Or, “I don’t remember.” Or, “Pass. Next category.” Drove them nuts, let me tell you. The whole time, meanwhile, I was working my hypnosis on them. One guy went under right away. I saw his eyes roll up in his head, his tongue start to hang out. Then his boss saw what I was doing and snapped him out and told me to stop screwing around. I’m like, “Why, what are you gonna do? Arrest me for talking? Can you do that? Can you arrest me for talking? Can you arrest me for talking? Can you arrest me for talking?” And as I said this I was just staring into his eyes, making him go wobbly. He’s like, “Mr. Jobs, stop it. I’m serious. Stop that. This is a serious matter.”

Well, it was more or less like that for eight hours and then finally they got fed up and let me go.