Not to beat a dead horse

But since the wags in the press seem determined to keep flogging this options thing, let me slice this baloney a different way. So the big complaint about backdating is that people make more money than they should on their options. It’s like betting on a horse after the race is over. It’s like choosing lottery tickets after the winning numbers have been drawn. Okay, okay, I understand. But in my case this doesn’t really apply. Why? Because I never made a dime. I didn’t make any “extra” profit because I never made any profit at all. I gave the options back, unexercised. I didn’t cash in my lottery ticket, or my horse race stub, or whatever they give you at a horse race. I threw them in the trash. So how on earth did I profit by my sins? Where’s the big crime?

Oh, and yeah, in case you’re wondering, the feds tried the old perjury trap trick on me too, the one that got Martha. But old El Jobso was smart enough not to walk into that one. Poor Martha. They never proved she’d actually done anything wrong with her stock; so instead they locked her up for lying about it. Well, I’ve got slighly better legal advisers than Martha does.

So this is what I was telling Jerry York yesterday. I’m like, I didn’t make any money, and I didn’t lie, so what have they got? He goes, “Kid, you know that, and I know that. But you know how persistent these bastards are. They like high-profile bad guys. And you’re about as high profile as it gets. But don’t you worry, kid. I’ve got a plan for how to deal with these bastards at the SEC, and the SOBs in the press, too. Ain’t pretty, but it’ll work. Here, let me tell you about it.”

Then he did. It’s so brilliant, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it myself. No worries. I’ll take credit for it anyway. What’s that? You want to know what it is? Forget about it. I’m not telling. But you’ll see. Stay tuned, that’s all I’m gonna say.