On being obscenely wealthy

So Larry emailed me this article today about how the richest 2% of the world controls more than half of the world’s wealth. And his subject line was, “Way to go! We friggin rock!”

I know how obnoxious this sounds. I can tell by the tone of these articles how people feel about this. It’s like they want us to apologize for having so much money. Well, you know, for a long time I had mixed feelings. Like, I really, really wanted to be rich; but then I felt weird being so rich. But then I just had this huge turning point. It happened when I broke through the billion dollar mark. Which is a big deal, ask anyone who’s experienced it. It freaks you out, really. I was standing in front of a mirror in my living room, naked, just looking at myself. Which is just something I do. I check out my body. And once a month I take a photo, and save them in a scrapbook. I’ve been doing this since I was fifteen. Anyhoo. I’m standing there in front of the mirror on the first day that I woke up a billionaire and I’m going, Steve is a billionaire. Steve is a billionaire. A billionaire. Like saying it over and over, listening to the sound of that word. And then I was like, Dude, you know what? This isn’t luck. This isn’t an accident. I’m different. I’m special. It’s like in one of those movies where a guy realizes he’s got telekinetic powers and it’s just too bad if he doesn’t want them, he’s got them. Likewise, I have this gift. It’s who I am. There’s no sense going around trying to hide it, or trying to be something I’m not, or pretending I’m just a regular person. I’m not a regular person.

I mean, Jesus didn’t go around being all humble and pretending that he wasn’t who he was, right? He just said, Dude, I’m Jesus, okay? And I’m like the son of God? So you all just have to deal with it, all right? Because I have to deal with it too. Same for El Jobso. I hope this doesn’t sound super vain or whatever. But there’s no way to be honest about who I am and also sound humble. I know some people (cough Bono cough) think the richest 2 percent should give away their money and spread it evenly all over the world. But think about it. There’s a reason why super smart people get all the money. It’s because we know what to do with it. What do you suppose happens if you just give all this wealth to poor people? You know they’ll just go out and buy 50-inch flat-panel TVs and bags of crack and loads of other useless shit. And then they’ll be right back where they started.

So I’m not going to apologize for being rich. What I am going to do is go finish this goddamn iPhone. Now that will be a gift to the world. It’s beautiful. Honestly. Just insanely gorgeous.