My Little Pony calls, stomping his hooves

And goes, Damn, Steve, I can’t believe you just ran that email from Irving without challenging him at all. They’re going around trying to act like the king of open source when everyone knows that Sun is waaaay more open than IBM. Heck, open source is in our roots. It’s part of our legacy. That BSD code in your Mac operating system? Yeah. Send Bill Joy a thank you card whenever you’re ready. And now you’re just out whoring for IBM, is that it? Steve, we’ve open-sourced Solaris. We’ve open-sourced Java. We’ve got all of these free desktop applications. Paid millions to build or buy all this stuff and we’re just giving it away to make the world a better place. Not only do we give away free software; we also give customers free hardware to entice them into using our free software. The hardware is what gets you in the door for the free software. Or we can do it the other way around, and use the free software as the lure to get you to use our free hardware. Either way we win. Total double whammy!

How can Microsoft compete with this? Answer: They can’t. First of all they’re still charging money for their software — which is so last century — but more important, they don’t have any free hardware to give away. Linux can’t compete either. Same reason. No free hardware. IBM says they’re listening to customers? Gimme a break, dude! We’re the ones listening to customers and giving them exactly what they want. Free stuff. No charge. Zip. Zilch. Nada. Steve, we are so far ahead of everyone on this one that it’s not even funny. We’re paying thousands of people to keep making all this free stuff. Think about that, Steve! I mean, don’t we deserve a little credit? And yet here you are, using your blog to promote IBM. You make me so mad I just wanna go set my ponytail on fire. Or pull out my split ends. Except I don’t have any split ends. Just long, silky, perfect strands. So soft and shiny, so perfectly conditioned. Watch the way it waves when I move my head. Just like in the commercials. Are you jealous, baldy? You know you want to touch it. You wait and see how we take over the world with all our free stuff.

Oh, and I know what you’re thinking. How do we make money if we give everything away free? Obvious. Advertising. Heard of this little company called Google? Seems to be working for them. So we put some ads into our software. And we get endorsement deals to put stickers on our boxes, like NASCAR. Think of the companies that would die to attach their brands to our boxes and be seen in every data center. Red Bull. Dr. Pepper. Chocolate covered coffee beans. Or all those geeky karate and slasher movies that those weirdos go for. All these years, we thought we were selling computers. But no. We were aggregating an audience. Millions of IT geeks the world over. Now all we do is monetize that audience. Easy peezy. Oh wait. My groomer is here. Gotta hop.