Have you heard of this Fergie person?

Man oh man. We had this woman named Fergie in for a meeting about iTunes and some promotional stuff we’re doing. I’m told she is some kind of pop singer or dancer or something. I think she was one of the Spice Girls who didn’t make it. Either “Slurry Spice,” or “Sloppy Spice,” I can’t remember. No wait. It was “Crank-Smoking Spice.” Anyhoo. She appears to be about forty years old but came in wearing a schoolgirl uniform and sucking a lollipop, which could almost be kind of funny if it weren’t so very, very sad. She appears to be white, but she talks in this kind of fake black voice and honestly I could not understand a word she was saying. Because not only was it some kind of fake black accent but it was also like this baby talk kind of voice. No matter what I said, she spoke back in this black babytalk voice. And she was being all crazy and saying things like, “S to the T to the E to the V to the E to the J to the O-B-S.” And then giggling. For a while I thought maybe she was some kind of female version of Ali G and that this was all a prank. Like maybe they had set up some hidden cameras and I was getting punked.

She kept licking her lollipop and saying, “Wapasennahmanagit? Hmmmm? Wapasennahmanagit?” And I was like, Excuse me, I’m sorry, but could you speak English? Finally her lawyer just told me, “Fergie would like to know what percent of sales she will receive as a royalty.” So I said it was all spelled out in the term sheet, she’ll get the same as everyone else, it’s kind of a standard deal. So she comes over and leans over the table in front of me like some kind of lap dancer, showing me her panties — and her cottage cheesy cellulite, which I really didn’t need to see first thing in the morning — and looks over her shoulder, holding the lollipop on her tongue, and she goes, in that same baby voice, “Wazzagirlie gonnageeet? Wapasennahmanageeeeet?” I think she actually believed she could get a better deal by showing me her ass or something. I was like, Lady, I gotta go, just deal with my lawyers and good luck with your “career,” such as it is. I actually did the finger quote thing. When they were leaving they went past my office and I could hear her totally bitching out her lawyer. And she was totally talking in a regular white voice, saying stuff like, “You know, Stuart, if you can’t negotiate for me, then why do I have you around? What am I paying you for? Seriously. Do you not even know what residuals are? How long have you been in this business? Stuart? Stuart? Are you listening to me?” Man oh man. Sometimes this job just blows my mind.