I’m blogging from Beijing

Ha! Not really. But that’s my cover story, so keep it quiet. I’m actually up in the city making sure the apartment is ready for tomorrow night. Larry gave me some of his Viagra. Not embarrassed to say that ever since I turned the big Five-Oh things haven’t been as rigid as they used to be in the penicular department. Hey. It happens. But with a little help from my old pal Vitamin V I’m like a 19-year-old again. I can friggin stand on it and spin like a break dancer, no lie. I’ve also just spent a good deal of time going through a bunch of shops in North Beach looking for super-sheer condoms. Found the perfect ones, made in Japan from some special space-age material that you can’t even feel. Twenty bucks per skin, but totally worth it, so I’m told. (Again: Thanks, Larry.) The big occasion, as I’ve said before, is Bike Helmet Girl’s dance performance tomorrow night at DragonBar in North Beach, San Francisco from 6-8pm with her group called DOUBLE VISION. I’ll be there with the Yelptard Make Out Girls, Catherine and Catriona. Hope to see as many FSJ readers as possible at the big event. I’ll probably be blogging before then. But you never know. If not, see you at DragonBar. I’ll be in disguise. I’m still hoping to connect with Bike Helmet Girl and don’t want her to see me with these two bisexual skanks from UC-Santa Cruz. So you won’t be able to spot me. But I’ll tell you what. If you wear a name tag of some sort, I’ll make myself known to you. Put something on the name tag like, “I’m friends with Fake Steve,” or “Have you seen Fake Steve?” or “Yelp sucks.” Something like that. Peace out.