Awesome Thanksgiving

Man oh man. I’ve been so busy all day since getting back from the trip that I haven’t had a free minute to do any blogging. But we had such a great holiday. Larry came, with his wife and this Asian girl they met on Craigslist. Sergey bought this post-op tranny he’s been seeing (more on that later) as well as his Uncle Fetya, who had his weekend prostitutes with him since the weekday girls get holidays off. Uncle Fetya (shown here in photo) is a total hoot. He has his own party bus. Sergey got him an old yellow short bus and gets off on the fact that Uncle Fetya doesn’t get the joke. Uncle Fetya kept asking Larry if he could buy the Asian girl from him, and Larry kept trying to explain that you can’t buy and sell people in the United States, but there were all these language issues. Then Uncle Fetya said that tofurkey reminded him of something they used to serve in the prison camp where he spent eight years. Talk about a riot!

Best of all, Bike Helmet Girl came. And she brought a date, some guy she’s been seeing. His name is Ja’red (yeah that’s how he spells it) and he works at one of those skanky ass coffee houses on 16th Street in the Mission. Or he used to. Let me explain. He came in all shy, sort of anxious to meet me, and Tiffany (aka BHG) explained that he’s this huge Steve Jobs fan. (Note: Not an Apple fan; a Steve Jobs fan.) I guess he read my commencement speech and was so impressed that he went to Reed for a while then dropped out and lived on a commune. He showed up at our place with no shoes on, wearing a black turtleneck and jeans, shaved head and beard, little round glasses — my first thought was this guy was some kind of ballbuster. But no. He’s a fan. He knew everything about me. The high school stuff, the Atari days. He knows our entire product line inside out. Better than I do. We ended up just talking and talking. Then I was like, Hey, do you meditate? And we went out back and meditated and I could tell this was just blowing his mind, being around me and everything. And to be honest, I don’t blame him. Sometimes I get off on that myself. Like, when I walk past a store window and see my reflection and I’m like, Whoa, I am totally Steve friggin Jobs. Wow.

Anyway, I hired Ja’red. He started at Apple today. He’s working in my office as one of my assistants. Showed up in the same clothes as on Thanksgiving. No shoes. Guards wouldn’t let him in. I had to go downstairs and fire one of them on the spot just to remind them who’s boss. So now Ja’red is roaming the halls and people are looking at me like I’m crazy. But I know what I’m doing. I think he’s totally going to work out. He’s got some wacky ideas, but sometimes that’s what an organization needs. I’m going to rotate him through the various staffs. Manufacturing, engineering, marketing, finance. And I’ll have him report back to me. I want to see how someone with no experience, someone absolutely pure, sees things. Full reports to come.