Mike Moeller, you’ve passed the test

Says here that HP installed key-logging software on the machine of head PR guy Mike Moeller and read his AOL instant messages. They even sent a goon to track him around a trade show and report back on his conversations. And this guy is still flacking for HP. My God. I love it.

One question: Where do they make this model of robot and how can I place an order for, say, ten thousand of them?

Mike Moeller, you are exactly the kind of high-integrity, independent-thinking individual we need in the Apple public relations department. Can you lie about anything and convince people you are telling the truth? Can you call reporters, including people who consider you a friend, and say, “You’re going to look stupid if you print that story.” Sure you can.

Mike, you’ll love it here. Better food than HP, and better pay, and very little actual work for PR people to do except to pick up the phone and say, “We have no comment.” Heck, we’ll even let you grandstand a little bit and look like you’re quitting HP in a huff. We’ll leak it that you’re secretly furious, and then when the idiot reporters call you, you can say that you think HP is a great company and you’re only leaving because this is such a great opportunity and you know how it looks but that’s not how it is, you have the highest admiration for Mark Hurd, and beyond that you have no comment. (And then in six months when you quit because I’m such a screaming asshole, I’ll make it look like we fired you and Katie will leak to Valley “we’ll print anything” Wag that you were scamming on your expenses and banging one of your direct reports and taking sex trips to Italy on the company dime. Strictly speaking that’s not something you can be fired for at Apple, though it is at other companies, or so I’m told. But don’t worry about that for now.)

Wait by the phone. Katie Cotton will be in touch. She’s freshly hypnotized and doing my bidding once again. I’ve had her under for three weeks now and this time I don’t intend to bring her back out. She’s been doing a great job running our guard towers and machine gun turrets, and fielding calls from reporters, reading from the hypno-script that I wrote for her. (We just pull a string in the back of her head. Jon Ive designed the implant and it is sooo elegant.) This week Katie will be distributing helmets, flak jackets and AK-47s to our entire marketing-communications staff and leading target shooting classes in the new rifle range behind Building 12. We’ve hired real Marine rifle instructors, including that guy from Full Metal Jacket. (He’s expensive, but worth it.) Targets include pictures of Greenpeace directors, SEC lawyers and Wall Street Journal reporters. Dude, you will sooo love it here, I swear.