Larry’s living large at Oracle OpenWorld

Here’s Larry last night at the business partner reception in the VIP lounge at the Moscone Center. Cost him ten million bucks to pimp the place out like a harem. But worth every pennny, or so he says. Dudes behind him in the black robes are Oracle VARs who beat their number for the year. While Larry’s upstairs partying, poor old Chuck Phillips is down on the show floor talking about the other Oracle cluster-frig, aka Fusion.

I asked Larry about this a while ago. I’m like, Dude, let me get this straight. You’re gonna take the code base from Siebel, the code base from PeopleSoft, and the code base from all the little frigged up pieces of Oracle programs, and you’re gonna magically make them all work together seamlessly. Is that it? Larry goes, Yep, that’s exactly it. I go, Larry, there’s no way this can work. He goes, No shit, kid. Ya think I’m stupid? I actually know how to write code, remember? But it’ll be five years before anyone figures it out, and five more before the defection begins. By then I’ll be eighty-something years old and living in my hermetically sealed oxygen-enhanced space base in the California desert and drinking Viagra milkshakes with a bevy of young nubiles. I go, What about your wife? He goes, She’s welcome to join us; and as for Oracle, trust me, I won’t shed a friggin tear for my dear old Oracle. To be honest, I can’t believe we’ve survived as long as we have. Do you realize that in this company’s entire history Oracle has never — I mean never, not for a minute — had a product that actually worked as advertised? And yet here we are. I’m the 15th richest guy in the world. Well, nothing lasts forever, and we’ve had some fun. I’m selling shares as fast as I can and putting money into anti-aging biotech products, stuff that lets you live to be a hundred and fifty and still have hard-ons. That’s the next big thing, Jobso. That and space tourism. Computers and software? Buggy whips, kid. Buggy whips.