Die, Red Hat. Die!

So I called Larry and I’m like, Dude, WTF with this attack on Red Hat? You look like the big schoolyard bully picking on the little Linux nerd, the kid with the pocket protector full of pens and the calculator on his belt. Here’s how Larry explained it:

“Look, bud, here’s the deal. Eight months or so ago I was gonna buy this French punk Marc Fleury and his little POS company JBoss. Offered way more than it was worth just because the kid is giving away a free version of IBM’s Websphere and I figured it would piss off IBM if I bought them. So this little cheese-smelling punk comes to my office, I throw out a number that I know is gonna make the eyes roll back in his head, he shakes my hand, and we’re done. But then the little prick goes out to the elevator acting like he’s some master negotiator and he says to the guy with him, “Did you see that? I just fucked Larry Ellison.” Bad news for Marc is that I’ve got the space bugged and so we capture the whole thing on tape. So I call him up on his cell phone and I go, Hey, Marc? I just want to tell you something. Nobody fucks Larry. Larry fucks you. And by the way, deal’s off, frog boy. Next thing I know he goes and sells to Red Hat, and that lunatic Szulik starts going around saying how he’s gonna pull a late 1980s Microsoft maneuver and try to defy the big guys by building a stack that competes against us. Have you ever met Szulik? He’s no Bill Gates, let’s put it that way. In fact the guy’s as dumb as a bag of hammers but really thinks he’s a player. Anyone on his executive team who’s at all smart, he drives them out because he’s threatened by them. And for this the frigtards on Wall Street are rewarding him with a P/E of about 50. Even though if you comb through his financials, as we did, you’ll see that a rather large part of his company’s “profits” don’t come from operations — they come from the interest that’s being thrown off by the cash he raised by selling bonds a couple years ago. Seriously, the place is a huge house of cards.

“So OK, the Szulik-tard and Fleury-tard want to play with the big boys. Fair enough. Well, here’s my thinking. I whip the shit out of Red Hat’s business, steal a few customers and advertise the shit out of it. I drive the stock price down to about 5 bucks. Then I scoop in and buy the place up with spare change that I found in my pants after a weekend in Napa. Then I fly into Raleigh in my fighter jet and stomp into their offices dressed entirely in black, like a friggin ninja. I call these two frigtards into what used to be Szulik’s office and tell them I’ve changed their jobs, put them on the custodial staff, and here are their uniforms. And just for a little extra fun, I tell Fleury that we’re suing him for fraud for not disclosing some crap about how frigged up his company was — this was stuff we found in our due diligence that I guess Mr. Shit for Brains Szulik didn’t notice. Then we take Fleury-tard to court and force him to give back every dime he made when he sold JBoss to Red Hat. Hell, maybe I get some of my buds at the DOJ to launch a criminal investigation.

“If there’s one thing people in the Valley know, it’s this: Nobody fucks Larry. Larry fucks you.”