I don’t get it. Bill Gates foists Windows off on the world and remains a free man. I give the world OS X, the iMac, and the friggin iPod, I save Apple from what looked like certain death, and yeah, okay, I get compensated for that, and now they wanna throw me in Folsom Prison with Johnny Cash and throw away the key. What the frig? Well I’m sure you’ve seen the story. It’s all over the news. We’re trying to put a brave face on things, but I’ll tell you the truth, everyone is freaking the frig out. We’ve got the whole company in lockdown. Last night some of our PR people started trying to escape from the compound. We had to Taser two of them who got halfway up the electric fence. Man oh man. I was up all night, couldn’t sleep. Tried to meditate but couldn’t find my still center. The one-button phone is a disaster. So far can all you can do is call the operator. Friggin designers. Damn! Do I have to do everything for them? Why am I even paying these people? Ellison won’t return my calls. I’ve left about fifty messages on his machine. I know you’re there, Larry. You dick. Fred’s gone from the board and now everyone has figured out why Squirrel Boy got added last month. I’m probably next. I’m just sitting here waiting to get the call from Jerry York. Whatever. I don’t even care. Fact is I’m halfway ready to just quit and let these frigtards go back to making Newtons or whatever other crap they can dream up on their own. The iPod is running out of steam anyway. Yeah, Mossberg gave us a BJ on it in the Journal yesterday, but come on. The guy practically works for us. Having Walt Mossberg review Apple products is like letting your mom grade your SATs. Man oh man. Zune is gonna crush us. That peer-to-peer feature is gonna be huge. Don’t tell anyone I said that. But it’s true. I spent some time watching the spycam feed from our iPod lab yesterday. Bunch of our young engineers were playing with some Zunes that we managed to steal in China. They were all sitting around, snickering like Beavis and Butthead, going, Whoa. Whoa. And giggling. They were friggin giggling. Like a pack of friggin schoolgirls. I know that giggle. Last time I heard it was when we were prototyping the first Nano. That was a loooong time ago. Damn you, Zune! Damn you to hell. And you too, SEC lawyers. Especially you.