Talk to the hand, Wall Street Journal

Didja see this Jesse What’s-His-Name piece in the Journal this morning about how I should stand up and address the options scandal or whatever? First of all there’s no scandal. Second of all what do you want me to do? Go rewrite the stupid laws that got us into this mess? Because that’s the problem. You get it? The laws. Not us. So go bug Sarbanes and Oxley. They’re the guys who caused the mess. Anyhoo here are my favorite quotes:

So what do we do with Steve Jobs? To have his companies caught up in the scandal raises the stakes for everybody. He is more than just a CEO, larger than his industry. Apple arguably has made the greatest cultural contribution of any of the great technology entrepreneurial endeavors that rose up in the late 20th century. Apple’s iPods and Pixar’s movies have risen to the level of art.

Okay, yes, so far so good. But then we get this:

“The difference between a cult and a religion is one outlasts its founder. At what point do you make decisions that no single individual is above the values of the institution?” Mr. Khurana says. “This blemish on [Apple’s] reputation should cause people to pause.”

Um, okay, Mr. Nobody Has Ever Heard of You But You’re The Only Guy the Journal Could Find to Say Bad Things About Old Steve (On the Record). I will seriously take that under advisement, not. But then there’s this:

So far, Mr. Jobs has been largely silent about the scandal, relegating his comments to press-release statements vetted by lawyers and public-relations professionals. That’s understandable: Apple is being sued over its options practices, and he doesn’t want to make himself more vulnerable. He also might be hesitant, understandably, to identify himself personally with the scandal. His silence is a mistake. This is an opportunity for a great third act in a great career: This is a job for Mr. Jobs.

Dude, please. Let me get out my miniature violin and play along with your whining. Really. First of all doesn’t anyone else think the Journal is kinda working this whole options “scandal” a little too hard? Their own editorial page guy says it’s all horse shit. But no, these little freaks are gonna keep howling. You can just see them drooling for a Pulitzer. I just love it when these broke-ass bozos who’ve never made a dime in their lives finally let their petty little resentment show through. Jesse, I’m a friggin bazillionaire. I’m sorry. I know this offends your leftie journalistic sensibilities. I also invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it? So tell me, what have you done with your life that entitles you to scold me and tell me how I should run my company? Have you ever run a company? (And no, that little business selling weed in college doesn’t count.)

You know what? I’m really sick of the Journal ragging on me. So I had my assistant take this picture of me (above). And here’s what I’d like you guys at the Journal to do. Squint real hard, and imagine the two fingers on the right disappearing. Then make the two on the left vanish. Then turn my hand around. Hey look, I’m waving to you!