And he’s all laughing his fat ass off and going, Ha! Bang bang! You been punked, sucka! Ha! You really thought I was gonna be on the Colbert show, and you even put it on your stupid blog! Idiot! Ha! You think I don’t see all the shit you say about me on your blog? You think I forgot that you wouldn’t write an intro for my book? Or that you ripped me off no those checks back in the Seventies? Who’s the idiot now, idiot? Just remember who you’re messing with. I’m the smart one, remember? I’m the one who actually designed the circuits, while you went running around in your bowtie chasing movie star pussy. I’m the friggin Wizard of Woz, baby. What’s that? You’re pissed? You’re angry? Well, go get yourself a Segway and meet me on the field of battle, little bitch. I’ll knock those goofy round glasses right off your face! I’ll knock your smug little fake-Zen grin away too. I’m warning you, pal. I’m gunning for you! And this is just the beginning. You may be El Jobso the Magnificent, but I’m rich and I’ve got nothing to do all day — nothing but frig with your head. Watch your back! Sleep with one eye open! And remember, I have guns! And I know how to use them!

Sad thing is, I got a call from someone last night who told me that in fact Woz really did tape a Colbert episode. But he was so mental that they couldn’t air it. They were afraid it would scare little kids or something. I’m just hoping it shows up on YouTube.

Woz, I’m begging you. You need to see somebody. And get on some meds. I’m saying this as a friend. Sort of.