Oh. My. God.

So now I realize why Woz called trying to pretend he wasn’t on Colbert. I just saw it. Larry Ellison had it on his TiVo. (My iTv box had somehow frigged up and recorded “Magnum P.I.” instead. I’ve got our engineers looking into it.) Anyhoo. Man. Woz was awful. Just terrible. Colbert didn’t know what to do. You could see the sweat breaking out on his forehead, like How soon can we get this frigtard off the stage? Best part was when Colbert, flabbergasted by how stupid Woz is, goes, You didn’t really invent the personal computer, did you. I’m being pranked, right? Well, actually, Colbert, in fact you were being pranked, because Woz most definitely did not invent the personal computer. I did. Which is why I wouldn’t write an intro for him and help him sell more copies of his big fabrication. Shoulda called the friggin book iLie.

Little aside. I’m sitting there with Larry watching it and Colbert mentions that the co-author is “Gina Smith.” And I’m like, Hey, Larry, how do I know that name? Larry shrugs and kinda looks away. I go, Wait, I know I know that name. Who is she? Wait a minute. Didn’t she use to work for you? He goes, Oh, yeah, that’s right, I think she did. I go, Wait, didn’t you make her like CEO of some company or something? That thin client Internet computer, right? Larry goes, Gee, I dunno, maybe that’s right. But he won’t even look at me. So I go, What were you thinking making a freelance writer the CEO of a company, dude? He goes, Well, she was a very talented young woman, Steve. I’m like, Larry, it’s me you’re talking to, remember? El Jobso? Dude, you were totally trying to bang her weren’t you? He goes, Noooo! Jesus, no! She was really a good executive. Really sharp. I’m like, Duuuuude, come on! You were trying to bang her! So you made her a CEO and started the entire company just cause you thought you could get into her pants right? Just admit it! He keeps denying it and I’m like, Well, she’s a good looking woman, you gotta admit that, right? She was on TV for a while, wasn’t she? She’s hot, dude. And he goes, Well, I don’t know, I never noticed. But now he’s like totally blushing and it hits me. So I go, Waaaaait a minute, dude, did you bang her? Is that it? You were banging her so you made her the CEO of a company just so you could keep her around right? Are you shitting me? Finally he clicks off the TV and goes, Look, she was gonna sue me. Okay? She came over to interview me when she was working for ABC and I came out with a Viagra boner and let the kimono fall open. You know, the usual routine. The one Schwarzenegger taught me. Calls it “The Kennedy.” Says he learned it from Uncle Teddy. Never fails, right? Except this time. I’m standing there with a hammer swinging in the air, I mean you could pound nails with this thing, and she’s friggin screaming in horror like Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween II. So it was either pay her a few million bucks or hire her and let her play CEO for a while so she could put it on her resume. Okay? Now can we let it drop?

Friggin Larry. Most guys in that situation would just have the dame killed. But not Larry. No way. He gives her a job. He hires her. This guy is a total class act, I’m serious. He’s up there with Bono, in my book.