Al Gore, Mr. Youth Market

So Bono just called in a panic. Turns out he’s the one who got Al Gore set up to appear at those MTV awards, figuring it’s a way to get Al out there in front of some kids, loosen him up, freshen up his image. Instead old Al ends up looking like even bigger turd than he actually is, and the show turns out to be the biggest flop in MTV history, according to this article. Money quote:

Last night’s show was widely criticized for being dull and lacking the sort of buzz-worthy moments of VMAs past.

Dull? Lacking in buzz? With Al Gore in da house? Hard to believe, right? Like I told Bono, Dude, Al Gore is Mr. Charisma. But maybe they shoulda got Jerry Lewis to star alongside him. And Dean Martin. Or is he dead? I can’t remember. Say, how’re you doing with that plan for rebuilding Iraq?

Bono says, About as good as your Apple Computer World Peace Summit, boyo, but anyway, look, I know, Al’s a dope, so give it a fookin rest, okay? I told him, go out there and tell jokes or something, or at least put on some cool fookin clothes and some earrings and some giant blue sunglasses, and mess up your hair a little bit and don’t shave for a couple days, it totally makes people not notice that you’re actually a bleedin middle-aged man. Al goes, Look, I’m not going out there dressed like a homeless man, Bono, no disrespect but it’s just not me. So I go, Fine, Al, but whatever you do, don’t fookin talk about fookin glaciers and all that shite, for Christ’s sake! So what does he do? Jaysus he goes out there with his bollocking Powerpoint slides. Guy’s got the instincts of fookin house plant. He’s out there in his dark suit like a black hole sucking up all the energy in the room. Steve, it’s bad, man, it’s bad.

I go, Well, at least he didn’t start talking about putting warning labels on CDs again and banning hip hop or whatever. Bono goes, Don’t laugh, your man’s crazy wife is still talkin about that shite, she was backstage saying how she just doesn’t get this rap music today, what’s wrong with all these black people and why are they so angry, and now there are white people imitating them, my-oh-my-oh-my-oh-dear, and whatever happened to Peter, Paul and Mary and the Kingston Trio. Christ! I’m like, you gotta be fookin kiddin me lady! Peter, Paul and fookin Mary, canyerbelieveit? Jaysus. She’s thick as two short planks. If you gave her an enema she’d lose half her fookin IQ, I swear.

He says, Bottom line is, Tipper’s gotta go, that’s all there is to it, man. Your man knows it, too. She’s gotta go. I talked to Soros about it. You know he was involved in the Princess Diana tunnel thing right? Guy knows everyone, believe me. Anyway, man, don’t have too much fun in Shanghai, okay? Don’t be evil, right? Ha! Put me on speaker so I can say that to Sergey. Hey, Sergey, don’t forget to lock up a couple dissidents for me while you’re over there. (Sergey rolls eyes, makes hand into loose fist, moves up and down in “jagoff” motion, gives finger to phone, mouths words “friggin Paddies.”) Okay, Bono says, don’t do nuffin I wouldn’t do! Adios, amigos. Peace!