Wanted: RDF repairman

Something is deeply wrong with my karma. I’m cranky. Irritable. Pixelated. Not myself. It’s like someone let Dark Steve out of his box and he won’t go back in. Maybe it’s this options stuff. Or a hangover effect from the 7 Day Miracle Cure. Can’t tell. But my chi is messed up. And my famous Jobsian hypnotic gaze is totally on the fritz. First time I noticed it was during the meeting with the board on Sunday. But then last night I convened a meeting of all our PR and marketing people to brainstorm some ideas for this Apple Peace Summit that I’ve been thinking about, the one with all the world leaders and such. And nobody was buying it.

Katie Cotton, for example, just sat there scowling. She even dared to speak without being spoken to. She said, Steve, if you’re figuring that this Peace Summit sideshow is gonna distract people’s attention from the options scandal, you’re wrong. So I looked at her. Right at her. Really deep, totally sincere. I pressed my hands together in the prayer position and gave her the full Jobs stare, trying to put her under. Didn’t work. I cranked up the intensity. Still nothing. Zilch. She’s just sitting there, tapping her pen on her knee. And I mean, Katie is about as easy to hypnotize as a person gets. It’s a PR thing. They’re all like that. Like sheep, only cuter, and slightly less intelligent. I’ve kept Katie under for months at a time, with nothing more than an occasional refresher session, five minutes max. But now, nothing. The tractor beam just wasn’t working. For a second I thought I had her. I saw her eyelids kind of flutter. But then she snapped to again.

I tried using a trigger word. It’s an old NLP trick. I kept saying, It’s peace, Katie, do you understand? It’s all about world peace. Apple is going to be the one to bring about world peace. Just like we brought together the Big Five record companies. Who ever thought those guys would all cooperate on anything, right? But we did it. I got them in a room and put them under and they all signed the contracts. If we can do that, why can’t we get Arafat and King John Ill and Milosevic and whoever else to all come together at one table? It’s peace, Katie. It’s world peace, Katie. World peace. We’re gonna do this. We’re gonna save the world. The Apple Computer World Peace Summit brought to you by Steve Jobs. And Bill Clinton. And Nelson Mandela. And Bono.

Katie, I’m talking about peace. World peace. It’ll be our new corporate slogan. Peace. We’ll use the photos of John and Yoko again. Get someone going on some logos and banners and T-shirts right now. But I want to see every color swatch before anything goes out. We’ll have the summit here in Cupertino. Or no, better yet, we’ll do it in Africa. Africa is very hot right now. Madonna’s all over it. So we’ll go to Africa. Like, to Guyana. I’ve always wanted to go there. Have you guys ever read about Jim Jones? Amazing figure. Seriously. Kind of a personal hero of mine. It’s peace, Katie. It’s world peace. That’s what I’m talking about. World peace.

But no, Katie just sat there, giving me this “who farted?” look. The rest of them too, same thing, except for a couple of the young ones, down in back, who I could see had gone under and were sitting there with their eyes rolled up into their skulls. For about two seconds I considered bringing them up to the Jobs Pod so I could play some games with them for Jonathan Ive, like make them pretend they were chickens or whatever, but you know what? My heart just wasn’t in it. Something is seriously wrong. I blame Potter, the outside lawyer. Guy’s got some bad magic, I can feel it. He and his little goon squad are going through everyone’s email, digging through the servers, really messing with the vibe in this place. Not cool.