So Tony Blair’s in town

And friggin Jonathan Schwartz won’t shut his pie hole long enough for any of the rest of us get a word in. There’s a story on it here that kinda gives you a hint of what it was like, but trust me, it was way worse. I’m sorry, but I gotta say this. Jonathan’s got that really dangerous combination of being not very smart yet thinking he’s like super, super, super smart, like the smartest person in any room he enters, ya know? I mean, have you read his blog? It’s hilarious, but I don’t think he means it that way. I mean this guy really, really likes himself. A lot. The ponytail is the giveaway. And God he loves to hear himself talk. Probably it’s the McKinsey background. They’re all like that. I always wonder what it must be like when a bunch of McKinsey consultants get together for like a barbecue or something, and they’re all standing around in their conspicuous eyewear trying to act casual but at the same time trying to show how smart they are. When like, dude, if you’re so smart, why don’t you start a company instead of working at McKinsey and giving lectures?

Anyhoo here’s the money quote from Mr. Ponytail:

“In the U.S. and especially in Silicon Valley, if you have taken a risk and you fail, you in fact become more interesting and potentially more valuable because now you know something,” Sun Microsystems’ Schwartz told reporters after the meeting.

Yeah so Jonathan that must make you like the most interesting and valuable person in the Valley right about now, huh dude?

Then he tells Blair he should write a friggin blog. Riiight. Like maybe he can post where the British troops are gonna be moving tomorrow or something, or he can make fun of Bush or whatever. I mean by then it was just embarrassing, and we’re like wincing and wanting to apologize for the guy, but stupid Jonathan is still lecturing the Prime Minister of the U.K. like Mr. Peabody taking Sherman into the wayback machine, talking about ancient history and the Egyptians and the evolution of technology and the industrial revolution and the invention of the steam engine in England and whatever, and by then Blair is just like openly pulling faces and saying things like, Right, er, um, thanks so much Jon, er, does anyone else have anything?

I’ll tell you what I said to Blair. I waited till Schwartz was finished pleasuring himself in public, and then I said, Uh, actually, Sir Tony, all that stuff he just said, that’s all wrong, okay? Just pretend you didn’t hear it. We only let this dude come today because he pestered the hell out of us and we felt bad for him cause his company is going out of business, and really we all kinda make fun of him behind his back. Schwartz looked sorta hurt so I said, I’m sorry, man, but it’s the truth. (Meanwhile Chambers and Ruiz are like shrugging and nodding their heads, as if to say, Well, yeah, you are kind of a frigtard.) So Sir Tony, I say, I know you came here to ask us about risk-taking, but the only thing that matters is making beautiful products that blow people’s minds, and you Brits know how to do this already. Look at the Jaguar, the Aston-Martin, the Range Rover. Sure, they’re not reliable. But they’re works of friggin art. You guys also make totally smokin movies. And music. Like, the friggin Beatles? Hello! Just cause I had a little hassle with them recently doesn’t mean I don’t love their music cause I do. You might notice the eyeglasses I wear, which are my way of paying tribute to a certain Mr. John Lennon. So you guys are loaded with talent. Look at Austin Powers. And Richard Branson. Talk about risk-takers. Guy called me last week from a friggin space balloon. And Wallace & Gromit? Nick Park, friggin genius, we’re trying to get him to work for Pixar. So just apply your creativity to computers. That’s all. I mean don’t make an iPod clone, cause that’s already been done. But like maybe a TiVo clone, or like a really bitchin new smartphone-slash-music-player, or, uh, wait, no, I wouldn’t do that one, but anyway there’s lots of cool ideas still out there to be explored. Seriously.