So Tom Cruise calls

Says he’s been reading the blog, and he can tell something’s wrong. Says I’m acting all bipolar, that Good Steve and Bad Steve are fighting it out in public and that is sucking away my energy and robbing me of my power. He tells me about my spheres being out of synchronicity and about rehabilitating my thetan. Wants me to fly down to LA for some kind of auditing session at the Celebrity Centre. Or he says he can fly up and bring a couple auditors with him. Steve, he says, you’re in pain, I can feel it. But we can fix this, honestly, I’ve seen it hundreds of times. This stuff saves lives, Steve.

Now, the thing is, I respect Scientology. (Okay, no, I don’t, not really.) But I respect Tom’s decision to choose his path. (And by the way Tom just loves our new quad core Mac Pro and says he doesn’t see how we can sell it for only $2,499, and he swears he’s going to make the next Mission Impossible entirely on a Mac cluster.) But I’ve got my path, and it’s not Scientology, it’s a different path, which is Zen, kinda has a little more of a track record than Scientology but whatever. Namaste. So I tell Tom, You know, I appreciate the offer, and I’ll think about it, okay? I will. I promise.

Then I go, Hey, so how’s the baby? And he goes, What? I go, The baby? He says, Huh? I go, You and Katie Holmes had a baby? Her name is like Surrey or something? Suddenly he does that weird hysterical laugh of his and he goes, Oh, hahaha! Wow, hello! Rain Man moment, right? Sheesh, Steve, wow! The baby, oh my God, yes! Yes! The baby! She’s awesome, Steve! Seriously. Thing is, we’re not getting a lot of sleep these days. And so the old brain stops working. You know how that is, Steve, the massive sleep deprivation. Man. I mean, there I am lying right in the same bed as my very young and attractive female wife, right? Trying to get some sleep. Or better yet, trying to have some Daddy time, if you know what I mean. Because Steve, she’s soooo hot, you know? Even now, after the pregnancy and everything, she is soooo hot. I mean I can’t keep my hands off her! But sometimes you just want to get some sleep, right? But no way, cause the baby is awake all the time, twenty four hours a day. I mean I had no idea. Did you, Steve? I mean were you aware that a baby doesn’t sleep at all for the first three months of its life? Guess they just forgot to mention that in the childbirth classes, right? Steve, it’s just intense what that lack of sleep can do to your thetan, isn’t it? Course I’m sure you know all about that. Since you’re a dad, aren’t you, Steve? I mean, being a regular straight heterosexual man with a wife and kids, whew! It’s a lot of work, isn’t it? Hey but somebody’s gotta do it, right? No, I’m kidding. It’s great, it’s great, it really is great. I love it, Steve. I do. Really, really something.

Then he goes, Oh, wait, can you hold on a sec? I gotta put the phone down. Someone at the door. I hear him say, Hey, come in, how’s it going, what’s your name? Xavier? Oh, Javier. You’re not Mexican, are you? Okay, well, just go upstairs and I’ll be up in a minute. That’s right. Up the stairs, first door on the left. Great.

Then he gets back on the phone and goes, Hello? I’m sorry, who is this? Huh? Steve Jobs? Oh, right, oh man, Steve, I am totally spaced out! Whew! Well look, I’ve got this massage appointment. This new assistant of mine keeps moving stuff around on my calendar and not telling me. Anyway, gotta hop. But think about the audit, Steve. Seriously. I can fly up to you and bring the people. Think about it. Cause it’s awesome. This stuff saves lives, Steve. Really. Gotta go. Okay. Adios.