So about that `monk’

The guy has been calling me, bugging the hell out of me, wanting me to make a decision about whether to give everything away, transcending to the next level. I mean I’ve had car salesmen who weren’t as obnoxious as this guy. So I kinda had some weird vibes about it and all. But at the same time the guy is very persuasive. Tells me he thinks I can develop the ability to levitate, which is something I’ve always totally wanted to do. I once spent a year working on this and almost got it, I swear. (Trivia hunters: Check out the photo at the bottom of this page. You’ll see two guys levitating at a meditation demonstration in Palo Alto in the 1980s. Behind them, seated on a couch, you’ll see a denim-clad leg. Yeah. El Jobso. No shizzle.)

Anyway, I was on the verge of writing this guy a pretty big check for his foundation (like low seven digits) in exchange for some levitation exercises. But then I got a call from Larry Ellison. Says he’s been reading the blog and just saw the photo of that monk and called right away. He’s like, Dude, that scammer clipped me for like eight million bucks a few years ago. Told me I had this special Qi power and was destined for great things. Even told me I could friggin levitate. I actually went up to Chinatown a bunch of times and sat there in some dumpy dance studio in the lotus position, jumping up and down like a friggin frigtard. Dude, trust me, run away from this guy fast. I had my goons investigate him. He’s an ex con, buddy. Did five years in federal prison someplace. I hope you didn’t give him any money. You didn’t, did you?

So I told him no, I didn’t give him any money yet. And Larry says, Buddy, what’s wrong? I can hear it in your voice. What’s the matter, bud? I go, Well, this options shit has got me down I guess. Or just getting older or something. The new smartphone thing is a piece of shit. I dunno. He says, Steve, Steve, Steve! Dude, we gotta cheer you up. Seriously. We gotta go to Hawaii or something. Or Thailand. You remember Thailand, Steve? Patpong Road, right? Those were the days, right? Am I right?

But suddenly I felt myself choking up. It was like I was gonna friggin cry, sitting there. I said, Larry, hey, I gotta go. I’ll call you back. No, I’m fine. But I gotta call you back.