So, about that keynote

This jagoff from Wired says my speech was uninspiring and that I looked “very thin, almost gaunt.” Let me tell you something, you’d look gaunt too if you’d spent a weekend having Jerry York shout at you from close range. The guy’s got dog breath, by the way, and he spits when he gets mad. Not fun when you’re sitting like two feet away from him. Anyway, Wired sucks. Honestly. We’re pulling them out of our stores, immediamente if not sooner. Also, on the “Why did Steve look so gaunt” theme, let me share something with you. The friggin 7 Day Miracle Cleanse turns out to have some seriously bad side effects. I don’t want to get too graphic but let me give you a one-word hint: Leakage. Yeah. So I called Paris DeAguero, aka the Health Man, aka the a-hole who sells that crap on TV, and he’s like, Steve, Steve, it’s the herbs, Steve, the herbs, you can’t do the program over and over like that, there’s a disclaimer right on the box. So I look and sure enough, you turn the box over and there’s this thing that looks like a bar code but if you put a magnifying glass on it there’s a warning saying, like, don’t use this stuff too much or it will cause your organs to liquefy and leak out of your butt. Paris DeAguero goes, Steve, Steve, look, don’t get mad, don’t put this on your blog, okay, let’s keep this quiet, and I’m like, My blog? Frig the blog, pal, I’m gonna fly to Maui and bury you up to your neck on the beach at low tide. Seriously. And all this is happening on Sunday night, like hours before the keynote. So my doctor comes over with four kinds of medicine and a box of Depends. And I’m like, No way. No. Friggin. Way. He says they’re not really diapers, more like a sanitary pad. And I’m like, Oh, well, that’s a lot better. Really. Now I’m not freaked out at all. He tells me I can suit myself but if you get jeans that are one size too big nobody can tell. So I call Andy Grove, who is the one who put me on to the 7 Day Miracle Cleanse in the first place, and I tell him what’s going on, and he goes, So what’s the big deal, I wear those things all the time, makes life a lot easier, believe me. So what if a little tobacco juice squirts out of my hoo-ha, what do I care? But I’ll tell you what, Steve, nobody wants to go swimming when I’m in the pool, I have noticed that.

So yeah. I was feeling a little gaunt on Monday. I wasn’t at the top of my form. Like, sue me.

I’ve also seen complaints about us not announcing many products. The answer is yes, we did have more products to announce, but we held them back. Why? Mostly just to frig with that fat-ass know-it-all Scoble, who I’m happy to say had to issue an apology on his stupid blog. You know what? I honestly cannot believe that guy is a vice president of something or other at a real company. Can you? I mean look at the photo on his blog. He looks like a dishwasher at Denny’s. And yet in the wonderful world of Web 2.0 he’s a friggin guru, a media mogul, and a book author to boot. Hey, note to you, Scoble: Your book blows. So does your blog. Everybody at Microsoft used to laugh at you behind your back. And when this bubble bursts and the world regains its sanity you’ll be back working out back at a Mexican restaurant where you belong.

Okay, sorry folks. I’m in a cranky mood. I’m living on vegetable broth and carrot juice. And then there’s still the options crap hovering over us. I’m trying not to think about that too much. Hope you all do the same. Just think about products. Beautiful, shiny products that restore a sense of childlike wonder to your life. Peace out.