Larry’s worst idea yet

So he calls back and says, Okay, this one I know you’re gonna go for. I know you will. You ready? Are you? Okay. Two words: Rat Patrol. He starts laughing uncontrollably, but I just sigh and go, Larry, come on. He says, Come on what? I mean, seriously, it’ll be awesome.

Rat Patrol, for the record, is what Larry calls it when we drive his Hummer up to the city and cruise the Tenderloin in the middle of the night, wearing balaclavas and commando outfits and firing Super Soakers at transvestite hookers. You get points for how many you hit, with bonuses for letting them get as close as possible to the Hummer before you leap through the roof and open fire. We’ve done it a few times and I’ll admit, it’s pretty funny, especially when the trannies get all pissed off and start shouting and stuff. Larry aims for the face and tries to blow their wigs off.

We learned this game from Arnold. He and Charlie Sheen invented it in L.A. with a couple other guys. They call it “Commando.” But we started calling it Rat Patrol because we were hanging out the back of Larry’s Hummer like the machine gunner in the old Rat Patrol TV show. How we heard about it is that one time Arnold was up in the Valley visiting T.J. Rodgers and the two of them called Larry, saying they were in T.J.’s Hummer driving up to the city and wanted to come get us and take us along. Arnold uses paint guns instead of water cannons, which frankly I think is a little bit cruel, because those paint balls kinda sting when they hit you. The water seems a little kinder.

Anyway, Arnold says we got carte blanche on this stuff, like even if we get arrested, he’s guaranteed us a get-out-of-jail free card. Which I must say is exactly the kind of classy move you’d expect from Arnold. I mean, he’s Republican and all, but he’s not a real Republican. You know what I mean?

Larry says, Okay, so are you in or are you in? But I just sigh and go, Dude, I dunno. I’m just not up for it. Larry says, Steve, babe, I’m really starting to worry. Seriously. You’re scaring me, okay?

And once again that weird crying urge came over me. No, I said, I’m fine. I am. Really. I’ll be okay. But I gotta go. I do. Gotta go. I’ll call you back.