But this genius has a great idea. He thinks I should pony up a billion dollars and buy YouTube. Well, I do get all of my best business advice from blogs, and especially from GigaOM (WTF with that name?). So as soon as I read this article I began calling my investment bankers. My orders were clear: put the Yelp due diligence on hold (but fear not, Bike Helmet Girl, I’m still coming for you) and instead get to work analyzing YouTube. Let’s snap this baby up before Murdoch gets his Aussie paws on it.

Because look. This one’s a no-brainer. I mean, who doesn’t get off watching home-made videos of kids dropping Mentos into bottles of Diet Coke, or frigtard wankers playing Joe Satriani licks in their bedrooms, right? I could watch this stuff for hours. Or check out this Man Child here playing scales on his bitchin axe. My God. I used to think the soundtrack music in hell would involve banjos and bagpipes. Wrong. It’ll be this guy playing solo electric guitar. Profile says he’s 32 years old and employed as a lift operator in Vancouver. Now he’s home alone on a Saturday night with a webcam and an electric guitar, making movies of himself rocking out. I suppose, deep down, in his heart of hearts, he hopes that by doing this he will meet a girl.

Excuse me, I must go weep.

Anyhoo, ya know, I’d love to buy YouTube, but I think I’ve already done my part to make the world a sadder place than it used to be. Also, you may not realize this, but I already run a real movie studio. Like, the kind that makes movies that get shown in actual movie theaters and sells them on copy-protected DVDs. You might have heard of it. It’s called Disney. But thank you, Mr. Serial Entrepreneur on GigaOM, for your excellent advice. If anyone else has business plans or strategies for Apple, please send them along. Ditto for any Pixar movie ideas, unsolicited scripts. Send them my way. Peace out.