Do any of these guys look like me?

Personally I think the one with the iPod HiFi is the closest, but it may just be because of the props. Anyway, I need some advice. For various reasons that aren’t worth going into, the folks at Apple are looking around for a few people who could step into my shoes at various events. For example, if for some reason I want to be on vacation, but I also need to give a keynote speech or open a retail store or something, my stand-in could take my place. Provided we give him some decent training on the voice and so forth. Frankly I was not very happy with the skinny dude we hired for the WWDC. Too thin, too gray, and the vocal energy just wasn’t there. Now we’re battling off all these bloggers who are bombarding our PR department, thinking I’m frigin sick. Who can blame them? The guy looked like crap. Dudes, I’m not sick. I swear. I was in friggin Polynesia, okay? Obtain a clue.

Anyway, we think it might be cool to get a bunch of Steves so we could field me out to multiple appointments at the same time. Or have some stand-ins to take some dangerous duty, like Saddam used to do. Or to throw people off the trail if I ever need to get lost, as a certain member of my board of directors has suggested.

Having more than one also might help create a little bit of confusion, like at the end of V for Vendetta where there’s like thousands of people all wearing that same freako goofball mask and the cops don’t know which one to shoot. We’ll set loose a handful of “Steves” in black mock turtlenecks and wireless round glasses in the hallways at Apple. Hell, we could get a hundred people and put them in Jobs masks.

The goal is to buy the real El Jobso a little extra time. Hours are everything in these situations. Trust me, I ain’t gonna pull an OJ, heading for Mexico in a friggin white Bronco with a wig and fake mustache on the back seat and some moron steroid case behind the wheel. When I disappear, believe me, you won’t even know I’m gone. Kozlowski did that, from what I’ve been told. Same with Martha Stewart. She was down in Brazil the whole time, having three-ways with her daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend. Friggin moron Quattrone didn’t bother, figured they’d never convict him. Ballsy move but look where it got him.

Trick is to start grooming the stand-in early so the transition isn’t abrupt. Gotta think more about this tonight during my karmic repatterning. More on that in the morning. Namaste. Peace.