Monday, June 9, 2008

Confession: I secretly despise the idiots who camp out overnight for my keynotes


Look at this line of boneheads outside the Moscone Center this morning. (Much love to Gizmodo for the pix.) Now I know I’m not supposed to say this because you’re here to see me and you love Apple and you think you’re all cool because you’re standing in line outside the Moscone Center with your MacBooks and iPhones and little tiny guitars and your tents and you’re doing all this just to show the world how incredibly attached to Apple you are. But look. There’s no need of this. If you have a ticket, you’re going to get in. So what is the point? What are you trying to prove? Are your lives really that empty?

I mean I appreciate the love, I guess, not really, but anyway … I’m sorry. I’m losing my train of thought. Point is, you’re supposed to be Apple faithful. Our motto is “Think Different.” Not “Stand in line like a bunch of friggin sheep.” Comprende? Oh and then you’ll all barge into the hall and you’ll bleat and moan and gasp and faint at every little thing I say, no matter how trivial or easy, no matter whether it’s innovative or just a copy of some feature that other products have had for years.

You know what? I hate each and every one of you. There. I said it. I’ve wanted to say that for years and now I have. You smug pricks, you phony hippies, thinking you’re all so cool and smart and hip because you’re sitting there at an Apple event when really you’re just a bunch of poser frigtards who don’t know shit about technology and haven’t the slightest idea of how these products are made or how much work goes into them or the huge effort involved and how hundreds of engineers have given up years of their lives so that you can have your pretty little toys. Human suffering! People torn from their spouses and kids! That’s what I’m talking about. And then, worse yet, you’ll all whine and piss and moan if you don’t get some stupid little feature that you read about on some blog and then you’ll howl if we cut the price and I’ll have to put out a fake apology and kiss your pathetic asses. Aaaarggh!

Well, Katie is going to kill me for doing this, but so what. I’m still reeling from the peyote and I’m sitting here wearing an adult diaper and I’m sick of this whole bullshit keynote Dear Leader act. I really am. Fuck all of you. Fuck you right in your big fat overweight ponytail-wearing ungrateful developer butts. Fuck you with a double-wide dildo with a razor blade tip. I mean it.