Thursday, December 13, 2007

Segway polo! Broadcast live! With Woz!


See the Engadget story here. Woz and his loser friends are going to play Segway polo, and other losers are going to watch it live over the interwebs. The whole thing is so sad it almost makes me want to cry. I mean can you imagine the audience for this? Who are these people? Is there any sporting event that’s less compelling? Golf, maybe. Or the WNBA. That shit scares me, honestly. No idea why it’s on TV. But I digress.

The thing is, poor Woz is really hurting. He called me last night, crying, saying Kathy Griffin is mean to him and he’s pretty sure she’s going to dump him, or maybe she already has dumped him and he just doesn’t know it. I’m not sure exactly what she said to him that was so mean. He told me, but by then I’d put the phone down and was doing some stretches on the floor while he rambled.

Then I got back on the line and told him everything was going to be okay, and life is good, and he’s a lucky guy, we both are — it’s what I always tell him — and then I asked him some questions about some imaginary circuit design for a product that we’re not really making, and I told him our guys were just totally stuck and what did he think, did he have any ideas for how to solve this thing. That cheered him right up and he started going on and on about what we should do and throwing around all these terms I don’t even understand, and once I knew he was okay and wasn’t going to tie cement blocks to his ankles and jump into his pool I said I had a call on the other line and had to go but could he come in and talk to our engineers sometime, and he sniffed and said he’d do that and he’d like to work on a project again. After we hung up I called over to the Imaginary Product team and told them Woz would probably be stopping by and if so they should humor him and hear him out and maybe let him work on one of our fake product prototypes.

Peace out, Woz. You big old bear. I love you, man. And regarding this Kathy Griffin thing? Listen. You dodged a bullet. She’s not worth it, dude. Not at all. You deserve so much better. And if playing Segway polo and broadcasting it live on the Web is your way of grieving and letting go and moving on, then go for it. You big nut.


Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Yes, Woz reads this blog


Here he is holding up one of our T-shirts. Sweet, right?


Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Typical Woz, hogging my spotlight


Maybe you’ve seen the item on Valleywag. (If not, go here.) Well for once they’ve actually got something right. Woz is coming to my event at Kepler’s in Menlo Park tomorrow night. Jesus. I know he’s got a lot of free time on his hands, but still. What won’t the guy attend? Next thing you know he’ll be doing kids’ birthday parties and car dealership openings.

Larry says I should be pissed because it’s yet another case of Woz trying to draft on my fame. Actually it’s worse than that. Truth is Kathy Griffin wants to meet me. I’ve seen this coming for a while. It’s happened before, more times than I care to admit. They use him to get to me. Know how we all wondered why she was dating him? Now the whole thing makes sense. Poor Woz, however, apparently has no idea.

Anyhoo. Kepler’s tomorrow night. Fake Steve and Real Woz. And maybe Kathy G. Talk about a D list event. I can’t wait.


Monday, October 29, 2007

Woz has been out in the sun too long


See this story where he says he sides with the iPhone unlockers and hopes they’ll keep up the good work of destroying my beautiful devices. Woz, stop it, okay? You’re a bitter old dude and you’re jealous of my success. Everyone knows it and it’s just really really sad. Oh, and one more thing: Nice hat. Much love to John for the tip and to TUAW for the awesome photo.


Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Woz update: It gets worse


God almighty. First she had him dressed like a gangster and going to casinos. Now she’s got him doing drag with her freako friends in Vegas. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And I must admit he looks good without his beard and with that eye makeup on. I just worry about where this is all headed. Woz, call me. Better yet, come see me. We’ll go away for a weekend and just talk. I’ll send the Jobs Jet. Seriously. I’m saying this as your friend. Not really. But I’m saying it. Much love to John for sending this in. (Photo: Jolene Sugarbaker, Maxim.)


Monday, October 15, 2007

Woz’s new charity idea: Free mustache rides


No kidding. He got invited to do this global warming fund-raising event. It’s one of those charity auction things where celebrities donate something and muggles bid for it. Like, lunch with Leo DiCaprio, or socks worn by Al Gore or whatever. So they write Woz a letter asking him what he’ll donate. He sends back the form: “Free mustache rides.”

The sad thing is he really thinks this is clever. He says he got the idea from an old T-shirt he found while he was cleaning his house. My bet is that Kathy Griffin put him up to it. One big flaw that I pointed out is that if the rides are free then he’s not going to make any money to give to charity. He says no, the free rides will actually cost whatever people are willing to bid, with a lowest-available price of a hundred bucks. “It’s like Linux,” he says. “It’s free as in freedom, not free as in beer.”

Whatever. I pointed out to Woz that now even Perez Hilton is making fun of him. Woz said he saw that and he thought it was great. He says Kathy Griffin’s publicist sent the photo to Perez Hilton with a payment of one thousand dollars. And they’re shopping around an idea for a reality show. Poor Woz. He really believes he’s this huge celebrity. Even though he couldn’t get anyone to pay $100,000 to buy his El Camino and have lunch with him. Now he’s dating a TV star and he doesn’t realize that she’s doing this as a form of performance art. Honestly, my heart aches for the guy. (Photo: Burt Hammer, Redbook.)


Friday, August 17, 2007

Woz, I’m happy for you


Woz is dating Kathy Griffin, the comedy gal. See here. And here. What can I say? It’s all part of this trend of Hollywood babes coming up to the Valley looking for rich nerds. Gentlemen, start your engines.


Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Woz doesn’t like his iPhone. Or something.


See here. Says he still uses Razr to make phone calls and is “compiling a list of peeves” to tell me about. Peeve away, Woz. Because we all really, really care what you think. I mean, hey, you invented the Apple II, right? So now we’ll have to waste half a day bringing him in and hearing all his big ideas and letting him draw on a white board and give orders to some cafeteria workers that we dress up as engineers. Total pain in the ass.


Thursday, July 12, 2007

Oh, Woz, my heart weeps for you


Check out this video. He’s now doing voice-over work for some lame Internet cartoon. And he’s being interviewed. Best part is the look of total boredom and discomfort on the guy’s face after he asks Woz a question and Woz starts going on … and on … and on …


Friday, July 6, 2007

"Yeah, I’d like a family-size bucket of the Colonel’s original recipe. Can you deliver to the mall? I’m the sad-looking guy outside the Apple store."


Speaking of guys who crave attention, how about poor Woz showing up and getting involved helping the retail goons hand out numbers? Dude, my bro, you need to get a job. Again, much love to the Mercury News for this treasure trove of scary/funny/sad photos.