Thursday, December 10, 2009

This wouldn’t happen with a Mac

Here’s the story of Major Tom (not his real name,) a ground controller for the United States Air Force.  His group is experiencing massive BSOD’s and his tech support is in another country.  You read that correctly.  The tech support for the United States Air Force is…not in the United States.500x_bsod-usaf Cool photo, though- never seen that many BSOD’s at once.  And I hope I never do.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

More raves for Vista

Even Intel won’t run it. Shocking.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

More raves for Vista

This time from the Borg itself. Buy Vista, and they’ll throw in XP so it will be easier for you to switch back once you start tearing your hair out over Vista. See here.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

New word: "vistaster"

Believe it or not this one is going around in the hallways at Redmond, where one of our spies picked it up. Here at Apple we’re running a “definition competition” and of course all of the Apple faithful are welcome to join as well. Send in the best fake dictionary definition and we’ll have a bake-off here in the comment strings. Winner gets a free fake vegan breakfast with El Jobso and a shout-out from the stage at the WWDC, week after next. Also, much love and a huge namaste to anyone who can get this word entered into the Urban Dictionary.

FWIW the definition that’s going around at the Borg campus is this:

VISTASTER. n. a giant cluster-fuck; a colossal mistake; a turning point, inflection point, or event that, in retrospect, turns out to have led to the doom and demise of a once-powerful company, person or organization, eg., “Have you seen Speed Racer? It’s a total vistaster.”

vistastrous. adj.
visastrously. adv.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

More raves for Vista

Now comes Aaron Ricadela of BusinessWeek, one of the most talented hacks of his generation, with a fine piece explaining that corporate customers are shunning Vista and waiting for Windows 7 instead. I emailed a link to Beastmaster Bill with a note saying, “Bill — so happy for you.” He wrote back: “Steve, it saddens me that you are still so obsessed with our old adolescent rivalry when you could instead be finding ways to use your wealth and influence to work on serious issues in the developing world. There’s more to life than consumer electronics. As for Vista, let me just say this: Siooma, assclown.”

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Dell vows to keep shipping XP until 2012

So if you were wondering when the successor to Vista will actually appear, and maybe you were a little skeptical when Beastmaster said the world would see Son of Vista by next year, well, you had reason to be skeptical. Dell apparently has told users it will keep shipping XP until 2012. Honestly I can’t believe how lucky we are. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Microsoft. Mwah.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Borg: We’re annoying users on purpose

I’m stunned. Talk about honesty. Check out this story where a Borgtard exec tells a conference that the User Account Control in Vista was designed to irritate usrs. Money quote: “The reason we put UAC into the platform was to annoy users. I’m serious.” Congratulations, dudes from Redmond. On this one you’ve succeeded in a big way.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Borg scrambles to erase the stink of Vista

Now Gates says they’ll have Windows 7 next year, where previously they’d said they wouldn’t have the next crappy iteration of Windows until 2010. “I’m superenthused about what it will do in lots of ways,” the Beastmaster sayeth. By which I think he means they’ve totally redesigned the blue screen of death to make it more visually appealing. And there’s a whole new set of driver issues and weird crashes and stalls. And performance will be down by an extra 10%. Can’t wait! Seriously.

Meanwhile if you’re really interested in software gorpspeak, this guy claims to have some inside dope on what Windows 7 is going to look like. Thanks to the folks who sent me this link but I must admit I didn’t read it, only because I really don’t care what Windows 7 will look like. And I’m super busy. Okay?

Monday, March 24, 2008

Maybe we should do the SP1A fix for Vista

Says here we’re going to put out an SP1A service pack for Vista just because we’re all so sick of watching Microsoft flail. Yes, it’s a joke. But the weird thing is we’ve actually talked about this internally. I mean it’s getting really awful watching the Microtards gasp and struggle like so many dying fish hauled up onto the shore. That and all their lying about how well everything is going. Man oh man. It’s like the more they suck the more they have to brag. Just totally harshes my Zen. Mostly I try not to think about them, or to read anything about them. I recommend you do the same.

Friday, March 21, 2008

More raves for Vista

The SP1 release is messing up people’s computers. I love it. Namaste, Beastmaster. I honor the place where the rage of your customers becomes one with their desire to switch to my operating system. Much love. Now I must go light a candle for Jim Allchin.