Thursday, August 17, 2006

Razor wire is going up


Yep. No lie. Here’s the new look of the Apple campus. By end of day Friday we’re going to have the entire place lawyer-proofed. You think those bozos from the SEC can get over that fence? Yeah, me neither. Jerry York just called and said, Steve, Steve, calm down, it’s just the peyote talking, okay? Like when you did that crazy Next machine, remember? You gotta cool off. This options thing is gonna blow over, kid. I’m sorry if I scared you the other day. It’s no big deal, kid, I swear it’s no big deal. You gotta drink some water, kid. A lot of water. And drink some coffee. Makes you pee. Flush that shit outta you, okay? And take a couple valiums. You got any valium there? I’ll call your doctor. We’ll get you a shot. But I’m like, Jerry, no way. The razor wire is going up. And the laywers are staying out. They’re destroying the vibe, Jerry. And folks, just FYI, in case you’re wondering, yeah, we’ve got snipers in those towers. Real snipers. Ex-Marines. I’m talking Lee Harvey friggin Oswald. Tag em and bag em, brothers. Those are my orders.


Don’t even think about it


Here’s a photo of Katie Cotton, our VP of Worldwide Communications, stationed in her new post looking out for reporters or bloggers. Because here’s the thing. We’ve tried to be open and forthcoming. And you just abuse us. Well, that’s over. We’re not answering any more of your questions, not putting out any press statements. I’m warning you a-holes. Katie isn’t hypnotized. This was her idea. And she’s not gonna just wing you in the arm or the leg. Her orders are shoot to kill. But go ahead, if you don’t believe me. Try it. Drive on up to the campus and get out of your crappy little reporter car. Go ahead, you weenie. I’m begging you. Make my day.


Well, I did it


Here’s a photograph of one of Potter’s lawyers being escorted out of the building by Apple security only a few minutes ago. They’re all gone now and they’re gonna stay gone. Ditto for the a-holes from the SEC. This just happened at the executive committee meeting. Potter was going on about more of these friggin “irregularities,” and meanwhile I’m seeing color trails and hearing Potter’s voice going mwah, mwah, mwah. So I stand up and say, Thank you, John. You’re fired. Sure, I’m tripping my ass off on peyote, but you know what? I’m Steve Jobs. I invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it? And I’m still the friggin CEO around here, until Jerry York tells me otherwise. And I’m sick of this crap. So I bounced them, and they ain’t coming back. We’re going to the mattresses. No kidding. I’m not friggin around with these bozos. Peace out.