Monday, July 20, 2009

Monday roundup

So much Apple news, and so little time. Sigh. Iulia and Natasha have rounded up the best stuff and boiled it into a list of briefs so you can save yourself the trouble of actually reading all these lousy tech blogs.

First, there’s now an iPhone app called Cannabis that helps you find a pot dealer. We had this built by an outside company, so we’re completely hands-off and can’t be held responsible for anything. Next up: one that helps you find LSD and other psychedelics, with a social networking component that enables people to filter out bad doses and weak shit.

Second, some Wall Street guy reports that we are delivering 1% of unit sales in the cell phone market, but 20% of the industry’s total operating profit. Sucks to be us, right?

Third, the market for mobile apps is booming, but 90% of developers fail because the space is so crowded and they can’t rise above the noise. And even the few apps that become big hits can’t stay on top for very long. A modest proposal for makers of iPhone apps: Dig up some money and sponsor an edgy, Apple-centric blog with an incredibly attractive demographic of tech-savvy young males with high incomes. Just a thought.

Fourth, apparently a lot of iPhone app developers are pissed at us. Like this guy, who complains, “Trying to communicate with Apple is like talking to a brick wall,” and says he has started to think he can’t really make a business writing apps for iPhone. My response? Tough noogies, you whiny bitch. Go write for the Palm Pre, with their huge installed base. Or go do Android, and you can create a different version of your app for every different piece of hardware that Android runs on. Or hey, go do Windows Mobile. No, seriously. Let us know how that works out for you. As for the rest of you? Back to work, fuckers. Daddy needs to get paid.

Fifth, Dan Frommer of Alley Insider loves his iPhone so much that he wants to have a sex change operation so that he can marry me and give birth to my half-human, half-divine babies. Or something like that.

Sixth, apparently we have reached a deal with China Unicom to bring iPhone to China by September of this year. That’s news to me. Tim Cook says it’s news to him too. But hey, much love, China Unicom.

Seven, some wussies are complaining about our iPhone app screening process because we’ve approved a new iPhone game that they think encourages kids to go all Columbine on their classmates. Fact check: The game does not tell kids to shoot their teachers and classmates. They have to first turn their classmates and teachers into zombies — then shoot them. Huge difference. Because, think about it. Ever seen a zombie movie? These are not nice creatures. The game is called Zombie School and it’s made by a company called Retarded Arts. And it turns out they’ve been astroturfing their app and pretending to be “outraged” consumers. Nice work, guys. We expect to see you on the O’Reilly show by the of this week. If we get a call we’re going to send Katie, and no matter what Bill-O the clown says to her, she’s just going to smile and repeat the same sentence, paraphrasing our press release, over and over: “In just one year we’ve had one and a half billion downloads from our App Store. It’s the biggest success in the history of our industry.”

Eight, some guy at TechCrunch says the iPhone is great but AT&T is a “big, steaming pile” of poop. I have to agree. If anything, we hate those morons at AT&T more than you do. Do you have any idea how awful it is to be yoked to a pack of bozos like that? Truth is, nobody around here runs their iPhone on AT&T. Most of us are on Verizon — we’re doing a trial before the official announcement, which should come later this year or early next. Oops. Did I just say that out loud? In case you’re wondering what it’s like on Verizon — it’s spectacular.

Nine, the dopes who run Twitter love to preen and strut and tout the virtues of openness and freedom of information and total transparency and empowering people to speak the truth and breaking the shackles of of censorship — at least, when those people are in Iran. But they sure sing a different song when that spirit of openness is applied to Twitter itself. Right now they’re threatening to take legal action against TechCrunch, because TechCrunch dared to published some leaked (read: stolen) documents which revealed Twitter’s double-super-top-secret (and incredibly inane) plans to take over the world by 2013. Dear Twitter guys: You are a bunch of hapless half-wits, and now you’re hypocrites, too. Also, fwiw, your product is not a product — it’s a feature. There’s a difference. Your only way out is to be bought by someone who will add your feature to whatever they make. Yes, maybe you’ll have a zillion billion members by 2020. Lot of people use email and IM software, too. Have you heard of any email companies that are taking in a billion dollars a year selling email? Know any billion-dollar IM companies? Yeah, I didn’t think so. But keep gelling your hair into those ridiculous shapes and telling yourselves you’re the next Larry and Sergey. And keep pitching those crazy spreadsheets to VCs, and maybe they’ll keep you alive for another few years, you twats. I just hope Retarded Arts doesn’t create a game where you get turned into zombies and shot. “Zombie Twats.” Something like that.

Sorry, but this Twitter foolishness makes my liver hurt. Where’s my medical marijuana? I’m gonna go download that Cannabis app.