Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Infection spreads: Borg releases more trade secrets

See here. They’re trying to appease antitrust goons. But the idea that now more people will be building MicroTard-style products terrifies me. This is progress?

Friday, April 4, 2008

Borg scrambles to erase the stink of Vista

Now Gates says they’ll have Windows 7 next year, where previously they’d said they wouldn’t have the next crappy iteration of Windows until 2010. “I’m superenthused about what it will do in lots of ways,” the Beastmaster sayeth. By which I think he means they’ve totally redesigned the blue screen of death to make it more visually appealing. And there’s a whole new set of driver issues and weird crashes and stalls. And performance will be down by an extra 10%. Can’t wait! Seriously.

Meanwhile if you’re really interested in software gorpspeak, this guy claims to have some inside dope on what Windows 7 is going to look like. Thanks to the folks who sent me this link but I must admit I didn’t read it, only because I really don’t care what Windows 7 will look like. And I’m super busy. Okay?

Crap in a box: Borg to make `containerized data center.’

See here. Now you can get your Windows goodness delivered by the truckload. Great news for frigtards everywhere. Meanwhile My Little Pony is crying foul, saying Sun did this first and has some kind of patents on the concept which, because they are now the leading proponents of free and open source software, they will be using to sue Microsoft.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Borg threatens to make software for iPhone. I’ll nuke their campus before I let this happen.

See this article from InformationWeek which references some Fortune article where some MicroTard says they’re planning to do software for iPhone and adds, “The key question is, what is the value that we need to bring?”

Borg people, let me help you out on this. If you want to “bring value,” then shut down your awful company and go do something else with your lives. Like, right now. Okay? That would be quite possibly the single greatest act of philanthropy in the history of mankind. I’ve recommended it to the Beastmaster for years now. He listens politely and then changes the subject.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Maybe we should do the SP1A fix for Vista

Says here we’re going to put out an SP1A service pack for Vista just because we’re all so sick of watching Microsoft flail. Yes, it’s a joke. But the weird thing is we’ve actually talked about this internally. I mean it’s getting really awful watching the Microtards gasp and struggle like so many dying fish hauled up onto the shore. That and all their lying about how well everything is going. Man oh man. It’s like the more they suck the more they have to brag. Just totally harshes my Zen. Mostly I try not to think about them, or to read anything about them. I recommend you do the same.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Drink up, MicroTards

Check out this fantastic shot of Bill Bumblaster, one of our top OS and developer tools guys, making an emergency pit stop yesterday at the Borg campus. Bill was out partying with his fellow engineers and celebrating our new SDK and overall iPhone corporate strategy which as I pointed out yesterday will finally put a stake in the heart of Windows Mobile, not to mention RIM, Nokia and everyone else in the mobile space. FWIW, Bill B. is not just the world’s greatest programmer but also a renowned tequila expert and shellfish chef. Apparently Bill and his homeboys from the tools lab spent the day yesterday on a massive bender drinking tequila shots and pitchers of beer at IL7, then they went out driving around, which I do not condone, but anyway it happened and nobody got hurt and what can we do about it. I figure you have to cut these guys some slack. Yesterday was the first day off they’ve had since their crabtacular which I bitched about recently. Anyhoo. Guys, all is forgiven. Keep up the good work. Namaste. I honor the place where the contents of your bladder become one with the Microsoft logo. To see this photo in its splendid original form, go here.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

At last we find out how the Borg steals from us

Turns out they just tape pu Leopard screen shots in hallways, with Post-It notes so MicroTards can comment. Very high tech. See this blog post from a Borg developer named Brandon. Top part is about how much he loves his Mac. But the key bit comes at the end: “One day a friend of mine on the team printed off a couple dozen screenshots of Leopard, showing off various tasks the user can do in OS X, and hung them on one of our hallways. Across from it are pictures of the same tasks in that incredibly well-kept secret of a project that we’re working on. There are post-it notes and markers next to each wall where passersby leave comments/questions. I wonder if any hallways in Cupertino have something like that?

In fact, Brandon, the answer is yes. We have people who do something like that. They’re called lawyers. Watch your back, punk.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Allchin admits: We blew it on those stickers

Now the Borg is in trouble for the way it handled its “Vista capable” sticker program, letting PC makers put “Vista capable” stickers on machines that could only run Vista Home Basic, the low-end version which lacks many of the most annoying and unreliable frigtarded features found only in the more expensive versions. Naturally there’s a lawsuit, and the lawyers have dug up some email in which former Windows boss Jim Allchin says, “We really botched this.” The Borg of course says this email does not represent the truth and that, um, I don’t know, the sticker program was a huge success? Not sure. Sadly the lawsuit is not addressing larger issues like (a) the damage to the planet caused by the existence of any version of Vista, and (b) Microsoft’s outsized contribution to the destruction of world culture over the past three decades. Guess those issues will have to be taken up separately.

In unrelated news, we keep spotting Allchin at our Apple retail stores, wearing a disguise and paying in cash. Dude, we totally know it’s you.

Monday, February 4, 2008

More raves for Vista

This is some trade magazine in the UK. To answer their question: It’s actually not pointless. Because once you’ve upgraded from XP and lived with this POS (Painful Operating System) for a while, you’ll be begging for a Mac. Truth is, everyone at Apple loves Vista. It’s the best marketing tool we’ve ever had. Much love, Monkey Boy. And good love with that Yahoo merger. Great move. Really. Couldn’t be happier for you.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Beastmaster gets all passive-aggressive on my ass

Check out his Engadget interview here where he does the classic trick of pretending to be saying nice things about me but if you really listen he’s actually taking the piss out of me. Money quotes:

“I am very sincere that Steve has unique skills that I just don’t have at all and it’s been phenomenal to see how he has been able to make a difference with what he’s done.”

“Oh, I like Steve. And I’ve always been extremely complimentary of the impact he’s had on the industry. … So Steve and I are virtually the same age — he’s a little bit older, he got into it about three years after we had done the original personal computer stuff — and he was my sixteenth customer for the BASIC interpreter.”

“I came out and I actually worked more with Woz — Steve wasn’t a hands-on engineer involved in that thing — because Woz had been trying to do his own BASIC but just couldn’t get it done.”

Much love to MyCats for the tip.