Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Larry will now be even more insufferable

You’ve probably heard — he won some big sailboat race and got to put his mouth on a pair of giant balls (right). Just look at him, working that thing like a pro. If I didn’t know better I’d swear he had some previous experience. Well, everyone has a dream, and Larry, I’m glad yours has finally come true.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

A reader asks: Why is Larry doing his big Sun announcement tomorrow?

As you may know, Larry chose tomorrow as the day for a five-hour meeting to discuss plans for the Oracle takeover of Sun. Why choose a day when all the headlines will be dominated by Apple? Some at Sun are worried, like the guy who wrote this email which just arrived in my inbox:

Dear FSJ,

I’m a soon-to-be-Oracle employee thanks to Sun’s impending merger with Oracle. I find it odd that Larry E.’s announcing the future of Sun and Oracle when the headlines are going to be dominated by iPad/Tablet/MagicPad/MaxiPad news.
Like he’s trying to hide a bunch of layoffs in all of that other person’s hype?

You are correct, dear friend. Except for the part about how you’re soon going to be an Oracle employee. That’s not gonna happen. Larry is (a) too smart to keep you Sun folks around; and (b) too craven to be honest with you about that. So tomorrow will be the night of the long knives for Sun employees. My Little Pony is totally in on it and, brave soul that he is, agreed with Larry that they could use the Apple event as a way to distract attention.

Before you all start complaining about being let go, let’s be honest. You guys at Sun drove a once-great company into the ground. Who in their right mind would buy Sun and keep its employees? On the bright side, anybody who ever built an empire or changed the world sat where you are right now.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Chuck Berry has sex change, sleeps with Oracle president

Just kidding. That extremely scary looking woman is named YaVaughnie Wilkins and she is apparently the ex-girlfriend of Oracle prez Chuck Phillips. Someone (it seems to be the lady herself) wants the whole world to know about this and is doing a number on poor Chuck these days. They’re putting up billboards in New York and a few other cities to advertise this horrible and embarrassing Web site filled with personal photos of Chuck and YaVaughnie (above). This is bad not only because the woman is named YaVaughnie, and not only because she looks like Chuck Berry with fake boobs and a frizzy wig — but because Chuck Phillips is married. To someone else.

Also on the site are a few very bad videos where YaVaughnie tries to be an actress and fails spectacularly; plus soundtrack songs that may (unfortunately) feature the fabulous voices of Chuck and YaVaughnie doing karaoke, including an unforgettable version of Brick House; and some very bad articles penned by YaVaughnie.

Larry’s guess is that YaVaughnie herself is doing this, maybe as a way to get revenge on Chuck for breaking up with her. Larry is loving this mostly because Chuck is one of those guys who used to be in the Marines and never fails to mention it. Larry refers to him as “the Boy Scout,” or sometimes as “Urkel.” And now Chuck has been caught with his pants down and Larry just thinks this is fabulous, because Chuck always rolls his eyes when Larry talks about whatever woman he’s banging lately and acts like Larry is like the world’s biggest scumbag. Also, as Larry points out, YaVaughnie? What the fuck kind of name is that? And what kind of amateur hooks up with a chick like this? Seriously. It’s like the Tiger Woods thing. You get to a certain level in the game, you don’t bang cocktail waitresses and loonies who will take out billboards when you dump them. You bump it up a level and bang women who know how to keep their mouths shut. Chuck Phillips is the president of a huge software company, he’s rich as hell, and this is what he’s tapping on the side? Egads. Larry says he wouldn’t do her with Woz’s dick.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Larry snaps the mast

On his boat, I mean. The big super duper racing boat that he wants to put into the America’s Cup. The thing has a 200-foot mast and it snapped like a toothpick. No word on what the cause was, but it appears to be that they attached a sail to the mast and the sail filled with wind. Who knew? All I can say is, Maybe God really does exist, after all. Video after the jump.

Larry has a lame-ass aluminum car and he thinks he’s so cool

And now, for only $4,500, you can buy a limited-edition book that tells the story of how they built Larry’s super-dooper special rich guy race car entirely out of aluminum. The book itself sports an aluminum cover. Groan.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Larry Ellison is better than all of us

Valleywag has a great take on this year’s Oracle OpenWorld.  Mr. E kicked off his keynote with a 5 minute homage to his…boat.  He said, “It’s a great boat, you should get one.”  Can’t afford your own boat?  How about a polo or gear bag?  Aerosmith played the event, and Steve Tyler added: “Apple wanted us to play tonight, but when we compared Apples to Oracles, we knew which was the right choice. Thanks Larry!”  (Nice work by Alex Handy.)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Larry just IM’d me and he’s like, Hey, do I sound gay in this video clip?

And I was like, Um, dude, you sound gay all the time — did you really not realize this?

He’s like, I do? Really? And I’m like, Duh, pal. Have you never figured out why everybody at the yoga club calls you Lyle? Have you ever listened to your voice mail message? Go call your own number and listen to what you sound like. Larry says everyone sounds gay on their voice mail message, but you know what? I don’t. But I did have to do it over a bunch of times and work on trying to butch up my voice.

But I digress.

Anyway, I have to admit, at the start of this clip Larry really gets carried away and sheds all pretense to being hetero. I think he’s really trying to do a Valley Girl voice, but even that’s kind of … I don’t know.

FYI, the clip is a mashup that Valleywag did where they compare Larry ripping on cloud computing today versus Larry promoting “network computing” (ie the same thing) a decade ago.

Here’s the original clip, and for the Valley Girl part, go to the 45-second mark:

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Larry Ellison claims he’s the model for Tony Stark aka Iron Man

Larry has been telling me this for months. And I must admit, this guy makes a pretty good argument. Check out the video clips. They’re very convincing. Larry says Robert Downey Jr. studied tapes of Larry talking to develop his character. Which we both agree is pretty damn cool.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Benioff to succeed Ellison at Oracle?

That’s what ZDNet’s Tom Foremski thinks is going to happen. See here. I ran this by Larry last night and he says it’s actually pretty possible, if not downright likely. He says Benioff is practically begging him to buy Salesforce.com. “He’s done everything but come over here with his legs shaved, wearing high heels and a miniskirt,” Larry says.

Naturally Larry is loving this. Meanwhile Chuck Phillips and Safra Catz are freaking the hell out. Larry is loving that, too. Nothing better than being able to pit people against each other and screw over people who’ve been immensely, foolishly loyal to you. I know this sounds twisted, but when you get to the point where you can buy any kind of pleasure you want, you need to look for more creative, twisted ways to get off. Betrayal always works. It’s like that first sharp taste of cocaine hitting the inside of your nostril, then working its way down the back of your throat. Pure pleasure. Nothing like it. Not that I’ve ever used cocaine. But I’ve read about it.

Anyway. Go Larry. You evil genius you.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Larry screws local schools out of millions of dollars. Go Larry!

See this story about Larry’s latest triumphant victory over the forces of evil. Back story: Larry claimed the town of Woodside was charging him too much property tax on his 23-acre Zen palace estate. So he hired a bad-ass lawyer to make up some crazy theory about his assessment being too high, and he won. His theory? Yes, the estate cost $200 million to build, but its true worth is far less than that because nobody in their right mind wants to live in a reproduction of a 16th-century Japanese emperor’s estate. So in fact the place has “limited appeal.” Ahem.

Anyway the judge fell for this and now the town of Woodside will slash Larry’s taxes by 60% from $1.9 million to $750,000. They’ll also send him a refund for $3 million for the past few years when he was overcharged. Of course the town of Woodside is crying poor and saying how this is going to take money away from the schools. My feeling? Boo friggin hoo.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. Why does a guy with so much money go to so much trouble to fight over a friggin tax bill that he could pay with spare change he found in his swim trunks? (If he wore swim trunks, which Larry does not. But I digress.)

Folks, it’s not the money. It’s the principle. Just because Larry is the fourth-richest guy in America, and the fourteenth-richest guy in the world, with a net worth of $26 billion, it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t fight tooth and nail to pay as little property tax as possible. I know this is difficult for ordinary frigtards to understand. But if you were a billionaire, like me and Larry, you would totally understand. Because the thing about being obscenely rich is that everyone around you is constantly taking advantage of you and trying to chisel you at every turn. The gardeners, the maids, the Bentley mechanic, the jet mechanic, the house manager — they’re constantly skinning you, and you get pretty damn sick of it. I swear it drives you nuts. It’s probably the worst thing about being really rich.

So maybe the town of Woodside has to cancel yoga classes for the middle school, or serve sushi one day a week instead of five. Or fire a few teachers. Tough noogies, people. You’ll survive. And now Larry can afford that new fighter jet he’s been lusting after. Namaste, Larry. I honor the place where your beautiful inner self becomes not-one with the needs of local schoolchildren. You go, girl.