Monday, October 2, 2006

Greenpeace: The Story Behind the Story

Let me fill you in on how Greenpeace operates. Here’s what they original asked us. They approached us about a year ago and wanted to give us some big lifetime achievement award and do all this joint advertising with us. We had their director and all these other bad-smelling European people right here in Cupertino working with our marketing folks, telling us we were like the greatest company in the world.

But then the issue of money came up. Turned out they wanted us to pay for the whole thing. Like, buy an award from them. Which in itself is no big deal, Gartner and IDC do this all the time.

But with Greenpeace the amount of money was just ridiculous. It was like 10% of our revenues. Basically, a Greenpeace tax on Apple’s business. I told them look, if you’re gonna run a shakedown, at least be fair. Parasite can’t destroy the host, it’s basic biology. But they wouldn’t budge. They’re Europeans after all. Look what they’ve done to their own companies. Sucked them dry with taxes. Now there’s nothing left over there so they’re looking to the States and shaking us down instead.

So I told them to shove it up their bunghole. Next thing I know, instead of getting some big Greenpeace award, they tell us they’re launching this anti-Apple website to tell the world how evil we are.

About a month ago, when they finally had the website put together, they sent us a prototype and gave us one last chance to pay up. If we did, they wouldn’t launch the website. We told them we couldn’t afford to just slice away 10% of revenues. So up goes the website.

Folks, just letting you know how these a-holes operate, so you can make up your own minds.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Sorry, Greenpeace

But you made me do this. Larry Ellison and I went out on his yacht today and did some fishing. We were looking for dolphins but guess what, we got lucky. That’s me in the yellow slickers, admiring my catch. Beside me is Larry’s latest Asian squeeze, Ping-Mi Nao, a twelfth-grader at Sacred Heart Academy in Atherton. She’s been working as an intern at Oracle but next month will be named CEO of Larry’s new software-as-a-service startup.

Greenpeace, since you wanna play hardball, let’s play hardball. We’re gonna stuff this big fella with broken iMacs and iPods and Cinema Displays and drag him up the coast and drop him someplace where Eskimos go fishing. Just remember who you’re messing with. I’m friggin Steve Jobs, bitch. I invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it? Now I’ve asked you politely to take down the fake Apple site. You refused. So we are cranking up the freak switch and moving to Code Orange. My offer is this: One whale a day gets it until the site comes down. I’m warning you. My best friend owns the biggest yacht in the world. I’ve got lots of money, and lots of whaling spears. Don’t make me do this.

Just one example of a Greenpeace lie

This is pure bullshit and they know it. Yet they go ahead and print it. It just amazes me the utter rubbish people can print on the Web. Especially these anonymous bloggers but don’t get me started.

Product life span

We get angry when our iPod breaks just after the one-year warranty expires. We get annoyed when Apple says it’s cheaper to buy a new one than fix the old one. We hate it when we are reduced to selling our old PowerBook keyboard on eBay for five bucks. These are common consumer woes resulting from Apple designing products with short life spans. If Apple had to take back its old products, you can bet it would start designing longer lasting products that are easier to reuse and recycle.

Apple has good taste, and we want that flavor to last.

Fact is our products last longer and break down less than everyone else in the industry. They’re the best-made consumer electronics products in the world, bar none. It’s not just me saying this. Researchers have done studies. Okay, we commissioned those studies. But whatever. I’m just saying. This is bull. And it’s just one example of how Greenpeace lies.

Folks, here’s the deal. We’re way greener than every other company. But Greenpeace knows we’ve got this lefty progressive customer base and they’re trying to tap into that. Okay? They’re like direct marketers, trying to buy our customer list and mail-bomb them.

More contact numbers for the Corleone family, er, Greenpeace

From their sickening attack website. Here are numbers to call to let Greenpeace know how angry they’ve made you. Tell them you love Apple! Tell them to leave Steve Jobs alone! Tell them to stop hating us for our freedom.

In the US:
Greenpeace USA
702 H Street, NW
Washington, D.C. 20001
(202) 462-1177


Greenpeace International
Ottho Heldringstraat 5
1066 AZ Amsterdam
The Netherlands
Tel: +31 20 7182000


Fight back against greeniac leftist tyranny

Dudes I am so depressed to see the comments supporting these blackmailers at Greenpeace. Do you not realize they are essentially a criminal enterprise? And, um, have you not figured out that if you wanna keep getting cool products from Apple, you should get the frig out of our hair? Left wing tyranny is just as bad as right wing tyranny. It’s all tyranny.

Fight back. Call these a-holes and harass them. Ironweed’s phone number is 866-456-9333. Act Now can be reached at 415-241-2510. Make sure you ask for Adam, and tell them Steve Jobs told you to call.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Meet Adam Werbach

Check out this douchebag. He’s Adam Werbach. Says here he’s on the board of Greenpeace International. You know, the guys who are giving me all this shit about not being green. The guys who’ve got all their little freako fanatics bombarding our switchboard with pestering phone calls. Turns out Adam owns a couple of little piss-ant companies in San Francisco. Ironweed Films and Act Now Productions. How much you wanna bet these groovy hippie-dippie artsy progressive filmmakers are using Macs in their shop? Put it this way, if they’re using Dells, I’ll eat my shorts. So here’s the thing. I dare anyone to just call up and say hey, What kind of computers do you guys use? Got any Macs in your shop? Do you know they’re full of pollution?

Ironweed’s phone number is 866-456-9333. Act Now can be reached at 415-241-2510. Make sure you ask for Adam. And tell them Steve Jobs sent you. Heck, sing the Greenpeace song. Ask them if they’ve got Prince Albert in a can. Pretend you’re buggering a baby seal. Whatever. Make these bastards as miserable as they’re trying to make us. Do what you gotta do. Peace out.

Greenpeace song

This just came in from a reader in New Zealand. It’s set to the tune from Pink Floyd’s “The Wall.” I was gonna set it to music with GarageBand but I’m super buried with this one-button iPhone. (Turns out it’s harder than you’d think. Try it sometime and let me know how it goes.) Anyhoo, if anyone wants to set this to music, I’ll put it up on the blog. And we can bombard Greenpeace’s mail system with it. Much love, Kiwi.

We don’t need no leftie lectures
From angry lezbos weighing nineteen stone.
No dark sarcasm on your website.
Greenpeace leave Steve Jobs alone
Hey, Greenpeace! Leave Steve Jobs alone!
All in all you’re just a bunch of pricks with a cause.
All in all you’re just a bunch of pricks with no balls.

You know we love our snow-white iMacs.
And iPods fit our hands just so.
We get childlike wonder from our Nanos.
Greenpeace leave Steve Jobs alone.
Hey, Greenpeace! Leave Steve Jobs alone.
All in all you’re just a bunch of pricks with a cause.
All in all you’re just a bunch of pricks with no balls.

“If you don’t have an iPod, you can’t have any music. How can you have any music if you don’t have an iPod?”

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Greenpeace is really starting to piss me off

Now they’ve set up a fake Apple website to give us crap for using toxic chemicals in our machines or something. Well, I’ve already expressed my opinion about these frigtards here. Picture’s worth a thousand words, as a certain Mr. Will Shakespeare once said.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Blow it out your ass, Greenpeace

Honestly, I am so friggin sick of trying to play nice with the freaks at Greenpeace. God knows how much money I’ve dished to these extortionists over the years. They’re worse than Jesse Jackson. Now they’ve put out this report saying we don’t do enough for the environment. Better yet, they’re saying Dell is the greenest tech company. Dell? Have you ever seen Dell’s campus? It’s a bunch of Quonset huts and tar-paper shacks. Dell’s the only employer in America whose workers ask to be transferred back to Mexico so they can improve their standard of living. Seriously, Greenpeace, you gotta be kidding.

Now I’m hearing that the Greenpeace tree-Nazis are planning to show up and picket outside our campus again, like they did last year. All right, a-holes, I get the message. I know the drill. You want another check, and it better be bigger than the one Dell wrote. But you know what? I’m sick of this bullshit. I’m Steve Jobs, dipshits. I invented the friggin iPod. Have you heard of it? Apple Computer is the coolest, most progressive, liberal, hippie-dippie company in the world. We’ve got friggin John Lennon and Gandhi in our ads. Now you dickwads at Greenpeace are gonna lump us in with Lenovo and Acer? You know what? Screw you, Greenpeace. I’m gonna go out this weekend and club some baby seals.