Thursday, March 4, 2010

Yelp still keeping it classy

Longtime readers will know that this blog has a wonderful history with the online blackmail racket known as Yelp. You can see our whole tag string here, and enjoy the run-ins we had with various Yelptards, such as Butt Plug Girl and her angry boyfriend, who were upset about many things, including a bad lap dance in Las Vegas; Pube Face; Big Mama Gummy Bear; and of course, Bike Helmet Girl, who later almost became my lover. I’ve especially always had a warm spot in my heart for Yelp founder Jeremy Stoppelman (photo above), who I said “appears to be just the kind of sociopathic nouveau riche lady killer that I’ve always admired.”

Well, it turns out I had no idea how much of an evil fucker this guy actually is.


Wednesday, March 3, 2010

We are launching a multi-front war to prove that Google is evil, and The Onion is helping out

Our legal teams will file lawsuits against Google’s phone partners to slow down the spread of Android. Meanwhile our special ops teams will be helping create articles like this one in the Onion, in which Google offers frighteningly specific apologies to people whose privacy it has invaded.

From Eric Schmidt: “Whether you’re Michael Paulson who lives at 3425 Longview Terrace and makes $86,400 a year, or Jessica Goldblatt from Lynnwood, WA, who already has well-established trust issues, we at Google would just like to say how very, truly sorry we are.”

From Sergey: “I’d like nothing more than to apologize in person to everyone we’ve let down, but as you can see, many of our users are rarely home at this hour,” said Google cofounder and president Sergey Brin, pointing to several Google Map street-view shots of empty bedroom and living room windows on a projection screen behind him. “And, if last night’s searches are any indication, Boston’s Robert Hornick is probably out shopping right now for the spaghetti and clam sauce he’ll be cooking tonight. Either that, or hunting down that blond coworker of his, Samantha, whose Picasa photos he stares at every night,” Brin added.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A week without Big G

Google has become a predominant force in many people’s lives, especially those of us that are tech-inclined. CNET’s Tom Krazit knows this, and here’s his report on trying to kick the Google habit for one week. Update: I tried to do the same thing (unofficially) and I lasted three days.  I thought, “Yahoo Mail, here I come. Firefox, where’s that icon?” Couldn’t last. Chrome is just so good, and Gmail is so snappy, and I use Google Images a ton…sorry.  I tried.  But they’ve got me. Now, if El Jobso can see it in his heart to send me out a new MacBook Pro, then Apple can have me, too.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Truth in advertising

Friday, February 19, 2010

Google Power Company, Inc.

The actual name is Google Energy, and the feds have given them approval to sell energy and conduct business as a utility company.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

One more thing — Google is switching all employees to Macs

Eric got up at an all-hands meeting on earlier this month and told the company that they’re all switching to Macs. Reason: security. Not immediate, but imminent. Yes, Eric, we appreciate the business. But you are still a backstabbing douchebag. Sorry. You just are. And I will do everything in my power to destroy you and your company. Search deal with Bing? Why the hell not. Roll my own mobile ads with my own newly acquired ad company? You bet. Wherever possible, we are getting off the Google train. You’re dead to me, Eric. Dead.

And while I’m ranting, let me say one more thing. The big difference between Google and Apple is that we start out asking what’s best for the customer. We really do. Google, on the other hand, starts out by asking what’s best for Google, and then asks, how can we trick people into believing that this is good for them too? Hence, Buzz. And Chrome. And Chrome OS. And Android.

Also worth considering: We charge $99 per year for a MobileMe subscription. Google gives you the same stuff and all they ask for is, um, permission to totally invade your privacy and to “monetize” (God I hate that word) your personal information. You think your personal information is worth less than $99 a year? Then you’re getting a hell of a deal with Google. The rest of us would rather spent $99 and keep the contents of our email to ourselves.

Schmidt: Google has no plans to compete with mobile operators. Translation: Google will compete with mobile operators

My very good friend Dr. Eric Schmidt spoke at the Mobile World Congress yesterday and insisted that Google has no plans to compete with mobile operators. Which in the weird and wonderful world of Eric Schmidt means that Google in fact does intend to compete with mobile operators, and probably has already spent months if not years cooking up ways to put mobile operators out of business. Take it from someone who learned this the hard way. Eric is not to be trusted.

Our engineers have been working on a device they call the “Schmidt-orator” which basically takes anything Eric Schmidt says, either in printed form or an audio file, and translates it into the truth.

For example, according to Reuters, Eric was in Barcelona trying to convince mobile operators that Google is their friend, not their enemy. Run that through the Schmidt-orator and you find out that what Eric actually means is that Google wants to lure you into its car by telling you that it intends to take you out for dinner and a movie; but once in the car you discover that the doors are locked and cannot be unlocked, and before you know it you’ve been drugged and blindfolded and Google has taken you to some scary room and is wearing a pig mask like the guy in Saw and is doing terrible things to your rear end.

Best part of Barcelona was when Eric put on his choir boy act and did his little shtick to the mobile carriers about how both sides need each other. Money quote: “Find a way to say yes, not no, is our thesis.”

In other words, just do what we tell you, and you won’t feel a thing when the bullet hits the back of your head. It would be hilarious if it weren’t so sad.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Smug Google Dude® vs. Mr. TechCrunch

So Michael Arrington is pulling into the ‘Plex today for some meeting.  He’s yakking on his (Google) phone, and stops at the crosswalk for a herd of Googlers to pass.  This one guy decides he’s going to make a point about the fact Arrington is breaking California law by driving and using a cell at the same time. Arrington backs up, the guy walks forward. Then when he gets out of the car, the guy decides to run off. In the comments section, Smug Google Dude® identifies himself as Michael Shields.

Must be tough fitting through doors with that chip on your shoulder.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Google is trying to poach our engineers

Just got an email from one of engineers in the OS team warning me that they’re all getting hit with calls from recruiters trying to lure them to Google. Which is strange because I’m pretty sure Eric and I had a gentleman’s agreement about not poaching from each other. Although, as Katie points out, we now all realize that forming a “gentleman’s” anything with Eric Schmidt is kind of an oxymoron. I just called Eric and said, Dude, do I look like a female journalist to you? Do I look like a female PR executive? Do I have big hair and a spray tan and a great ass, and I’m not your wife? No? Then why are you so goddamned interested in fucking me?

He’s like, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I said, We had a deal where we wouldn’t steal each other’s engineers. Eric says, No, I never agreed to that. I’m like, Are you shitting me? You absolutely did say that. He goes, No, see, you have to go back and listen to what I said, because I was very precise in what I said to you, and what I said was that I wouldn’t steal any of your engineers. Meaning: me personally. And I’ve kept my word. I’m not making any calls. I haven’t talked to any of them.

I’m like, So this is how it’s going to be? Really? He goes, I have to run, it’s Larry calling on my other line and I’m supposed to be bringing him a coffee and now he’s gonna be pissed cause I’m late. Talk to you later.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Mark Cuban: “Google is a vampire”

OK, hadn’t heard that one before. Mark Cuban, who suckered sold to Yahoo! for a lot of money and now runs an NBA team, referred to Big G as “vampires” in a keynote speech at the AlwaysOn OnMedia 2010 conference. This is all about Google’s index aggregating news content from various publishers. Mark? Boo hoo.