Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Facebook just told all my friends that I bought Tucks online

Nice work, Beacon. Now the email messages are rolling in. To those of you who wrote nice notes, I appreciate the sympathy and yes, things are getting better down there. And yes, I do recommend the product. To all the rest who chose to make sport of another human being’s suffering, shame on you. I will pray for your souls. I will also kick your friggin ass if you ever dare come within fifty feet of me. As for you, Zuckerberg, you’d better start returning my calls, jackass. And don’t think you can bounce me to your flacks like last time. Who the fuck do you think you are? Do you realize who you’re dealing with? I’m Steve Jobs, bitch! I’ve been running this Valley for thirty years. I’ve got pieces of guys like you in my stool. Meanwhile, can anyone explain to me how I opt out of this crazy Facebook spy program? And can anyone explain why Blogger just automatically inserted a product shot into this post? Jesus. What the hell is happening here? Can someone get in here please? Like, now?

Borg defends Facebook valuation

See here. The guys who placed a $15 billion price tag on a profitless Web 2.0 company say they are very very very sure that they didn’t overpay. Money quote: For those entrepreneurs looking to sell their businesses to Microsoft, Jaffe suggested that sellers be “upfront and realistic. Don’t oversell it, because we will figure it out.” See, that was Faceberg’s genius. He didn’t oversell it. Keep that in mind, kids, when you’re launching zippr or ziggl or biggnutz or whatever. Much love to Andrew for the tip.

Monday, December 3, 2007

More Faceberg imitation of me

This just in from the team Moshe has had following Faceberg. Apparently in addition to hiring my speaking coaches and wearing a black fleece jacket as an allusion to my black mock turtleneck, Faceberg now is copying another of my traits and parking in a handicapped spot. Like me, he does this even when there are bunch of open spaces right next to the handicapped spot. Faceberg, this is just sad. First of all it’s sad that you’re driving a Lamborghini. Even Larry doesn’t do that. Seriously. I mean come on. As for the parking in handicapped spaces, look, do you really have to just keep copying my ways to be obnoxious. Can’t you think up a few of your own? You’re a creative guy right? You can come up with your own ideas, can’t you? Oh, sorry. I forgot. Sore spot. Let’s talk about something else.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Oh snap! Faceberg raises another $500 million

Word up. Hot on the heels of the big investment by the Borg only a few hours ago, Facebook has now landed another $500 million from two hedge funds in New York. At the same $15 billion valuation. It is on, people. No word on which hedgetards are involved but again let me say: Faceberg, you are some kind of wonderful. I mean it. Wow. Much love.

Borg to Facebook:

Man oh man. I’m sure you’ve seen the news but just in case see this story by Brad Stone aka the world’s greatest investigative journalist. Microsoft will pay $240 million for a 1.6% share, valuing Facebook at $15 billion. I talked to Beastmaster about this yesterday and I think I understand where he’s going with this. Basically he’s not looking at it from an investment perspective. He doesn’t care what valuation this places on Facebook. He’s looking at what it’s worth to own the ad traffic on Facebook over the next few years, both inside and outside the United States. Also, Beastmaster told me that he really didn’t care what he had to spend; from now on the mantra at the Borg is they are not going to lose out on any deals because of money. Main reason Beastmaster loves Facebook is because they’ve created a walled garden where Google can’t play. Anything that screws up Google is music to Beastmaster’s ears.

Basically, little Faceberg made himself valuable by putting himself in the middle of the crossfire between two giants that hate each other. Nice move, Faceberg. I must admit it. You’re no Jobso, but you’re damn close. Namaste. And go Sox. (Photo: Locutus Deborg, Redmond magazine.)

Monday, October 15, 2007

Faceberg tops me in "most important Valley people" poll

Outrageous. See here. This was absolutely not authorized. We did not grant any permission for these frigtards to use my name or likeness in any list. Katie is on the job, with back-up from legal if she needs it. Much love to Ted for alerting us to this.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Jerry Yang spotted leaving Facebook

Moshe just came in with the info. Our spy cams picked it up. Not sure but this may be Jerry’s big bold move. Yahoo puts money into Facebook and blocks Microsoft. Frankly I thought Jerry’s big move was just going to be an announcement that he needed another 100-day thinking period. Anyway, you go, Jerry Yang. Put that money into Facebook. Anything to jam a spoke in Beastmaster’s wheels. And don’t worry. Whatever ridiculous amount you pay, the saps in the open market will be paying more when the bankers finally take this thing public.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Why Facebook matters

To vampires anyway. Check out this spoof.

Faceberg declares war on us

You’ve probably seen the rumors but if not check out this link to an item on CNET about how Facebook wants to launch a store to compete with iTunes. From what we can tell the rumors are 100% true. They’ve tried to recruit away some of our guys and they’re offering ridiculous amounts of money plus the promise of a piece of that big huge Facebook IPO which is for sure going to happen any day now and create a whole new batch of boy wonder billionaires who will drive the price of Bay Area real estate even higher into the stratosphere. So far our guys aren’t jumping at the bait, mostly because they’re terrified of what I’d do to them, and rightly so. As CNET points out the move would make sense for Facebook, since “critics have said that the Mark Zuckerberg-founded company is going to need to find an innovative way to make money.” Not sure that copying an Apple idea qualifies as an “innovative” way to make money but let’s be honest. These guys need to find a way to make money, period. If that means doing a knockoff, so be it.

But has it started to occur to anyone that these kids really just have no idea what business they’re in or what kind of company they’re running? First they were a social networking site for college kids. Then they were going to be MySpace. Then they were a networking site for businesspeople, recruiting all these groups from GE, P&G, Citigroup, etc. Then they were going to be Google, making billions by selling ads. Then they were going to be Craigslist. Then they were going to be AOL, the new place for people to meet and hang out online. Then they were going to be Webkinz, a place where you can play online games and send virtual martinis. Then they were going to be a “platform” play like Microsoft and let others build an “ecosystem” around them. They were going to start a “movement” and lead a “revolution,” which all sounds good except that they were a revolution without a cause and a movement without an ideology and what exactly was it they were supposed to be toppling and everyone kind of figured out that they were really just using the Che Guevara rhetoric as a way to keep people from asking them what the fuck they’re actually making and/or selling. Then Faceberg was going to be me, and he even hired my presentation consultants and tried to develop a Jobsian persona with his black fleece jackets. Then they were going to be a TV network like YouTube, and then an online store, like Amazon. Then they were going to be a dessert topping, and then a floor wax. Now they’re going to be iTunes.

This is what happens when you raise lots of VC from Valley sharks before you’ve figured out what you’re doing. They all get seats on your board and they all start telling you what you should be and what you should do and every month it’s something else and pretty soon you’re going crazy. Because they’ll all just keep trying anything and they really have no idea what works either and they’re all just tossing darts into the darkness and hoping and praying that one of these things will hit something and your company will start to take off. Or maybe not. Maybe they’re actually trying to make you fail. You don’t want to think that but you start to wonder sometimes.

Then after a while if you don’t start making money they start using you to buy up their other struggling investments and mop up their messes. Or they mop you up by merging you into one of their other losers. Then when things really start cratering they force you to resign and make you the goat for all the company’s problems. Faceberg, you have 43 million users and 54 billion monthly page views, and you still can’t make any money. Now you want to make war on El Jobso? We’re shaking, kid. Shaking. (Photo: Burt Hammer, Tiger Beat.)

Monday, October 1, 2007

Google offers $30 billion for Facebook, plus $5 billion bonus if Randi Jayne stops singing

Sergey says he’s not even kidding. He’ll do it just to shut them down so everyone can get back to work. He says somebody at Google has created a Facebook app that lets you calculate how many hours of productivity you’ve lost by screwing around on Facebook, and the numbers at Google are incredible. Also Sergey says he can’t stand that everyone keeps calling Facebook “the new Google” and worse yet he really can’t stand those videos that Randi and her friends keep making where it’s clear they all think they’re so friggin cool because pretty soon they’re all going to be mega rich for no apparent reason. Sergey says Facebook isn’t even a tech company and he doesn’t know why everyone gets so excited over it and he’s really appalled by the comparison to Google because “at least we made a real product and added real value.” Ahem. I tried to tell him that all the things he feels about Facebook were things the rest of us old-timers felt about Google. And still feel. He doesn’t get it. Squirrel Boy does, though. He’s old enough to understand. He just doesn’t care because he’s lucky enough to be driving the gravy train.

Meanwhile Joy of Tech today explains why Faceberg now thinks his company is worth $15 billion. See here. Much love to dear reader Zoli for sending in the link. (Photos: Burt Hammer, Highlights for Children.)