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Thursday, April 8, 2010

Coming to a Target and Best Buy near you

The Kindle

The Nook

The Kindle and The Nook are going to be retailing at Target and Best Buy respectively in the coming weeks. I’m going to give the winner of this battle to Bezos. He’s got The Kindle store, The Kindle App for PC , Mac, Blackberry, iPhone/iTouch even on the iPad, I’m shocked, aren’t you?, and Target is like friendlier and not geeky, like Best Buy. People buy books at Target, trashy books, cookbooks, Oprah books, best seller books. Why not thrown in a Kindle? It’s one those devices that are gonna just work (for now). Best Buy is like going to a K-Mart Radio Shack. You have to know they’re selling it there, know what the fuck it is and ask somebody to show you it, if you can find somebody, and resist like the dickens when they to impress on you to buy that Geek Squad extended warranty that don’t mean anything except that’s $40-$60 bucks you’ll never see again. The Kindle is already pre-sold, ubiquitous, at least in the minds of customers, makes an easy add on sale, especially at check-out counter near the electronics and at books and periodical section.

Somebody’s crank is being yanked, here

Digitimes has duped several tech blogs and journals that Apple will be releasing a 5″ x 7″ iPad Nano. April 1rst was a week ago, Digitimes, unless somebody  should be using the Gmail beer goggles app. You think?

iPhone OS 4.0 arrives today!

Aren’t you glad? Aren’t you happy? We will have long to wait? Will it also run on the iPad? What the fuck will it do? How will it change the world? That ache you feel will soon erupt into rapturous ecstasy, droogies …

(The Real) Mossberg as The iPad Answer Man

I'm not wearing any pants. In fact, I'm sitting on a portable potty, it's easier that way, except for the smell, which is also why they're so many Dewars bottles around ...

Seriously, how many frigtards could there seriously be out there?  Walter Mossberg, the oldest technical writer this side of Alpha Centauri, probably just did a Steven J Vaughn-Nichols cut and paste column, not ‘cos he’s lazy or anything, but because all these frigtards that bought iPads don’t pay attention to the instructions they got inside the box, from the Apple Genius bar, from the online instructional videos nor from the scores of columns published verbatim from the Apple P.R. department by the whole circle jerk blogsphere about what you could or could not do with iPad, and frankly, I wouldn’t begrudge the oldest technical writer on the planet downing four or five bottles of Dewars after reading seventeen thousand e-mails and tweets asking the same goddamn questions about the freakin’ sweet miracle of Jobs that these frigtards apparently have no idea how to operate or use. It must depress the drizzle that drops from his ass when he is inundated by so many lametard questions.

Lady Ada Lovelace, a smart cookie and nice bit of Victorian crumpet

Why can’t anybody ask something more challenging to his one hundred and seventy-five year old brain? Goddammit, he saw the plans for the original difference engine after a dalliance with Lady Ada Lovelace, that’s got count for something … It’s gonna’ be a long haul, if we’re ever gonna’ move up the ladder to electronic nirvana, but maybe that’s just Darwinism kickin’ in, sorting out the ‘tards from the rest of the gene pool, those that get it, those that will lead the rest of us either to a higher plane of existence or even to finally link with the consciousness of the cosmos while the rest of the skinjobs perish in their own ultimate worldwide abattoir.

Another Carrington bites the dust

Christopher Cazenove 1943-2010

Jeepers, it’s not even ten days that Blake Carrington passes away that his half-brother Ben joins choir invisible. Do we need to stage a death watch for Krystle and Alexis, too?

Recently found melting outside in the Barcelona sun

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Too stupid to own an iPad

Joe Wilcox, king of all ‘tards, ‘cos he can put more than two Lego bricks together, found seven morons who had the temerity to return their iPads shortly after purchasing. The reasons for their returns reveal to even the simplest child that these ingrates are obviously ‘tards of the worst kind, which is why Apple personnel were only too happy to accept back the miracles of Jobs from these ground squirrels and smilingly check the box on the store terminals next to these crudbunnies’ names, effectively banning them and their future descendants from the tribe forever. It makes you wonder how they ever managed to infect the gene pool. It’s amazing reading all these reasons, a couple of these brainless throwbacks  admitted to being Micro-tard stooges – what the fuck? – shouldn’t the both of you be waiting for the dreaded Micro-turd Monday Phone Apocalypse? – another fucktard had problems with the WiFi settings – hello? – Ever go to the FAQ or support website? Ever visit an Apple forum online? Ever visit a Genius Bar? Ever get laid? Ever graduate from kindergarten? – and another ‘tard is one of those who had buyers remorse – three hours after buying it! – and didn’t even bother taking it out of the box – no wonder he wasn’t charged the restocking fee, but don’t worry ‘tardo, your money’s no good anyway, ‘cos you’re a no-mind fucktard. You shouldn’t be allowed to handle any transaction of any kind, even making a deposit in the gentlemens’ toilet ‘cos you’d probably come back and ask for a refund!

photo circa 1986

circa 2009: now with Metamucil !!!

Now, Let’s go back to that rampant naysayer, Joe Wantscox, here. Now, remember this? Go ahead click on it, read, I’ll wait. Done yet? Good. Joe Wantscox is another one of those blogtards that hasn’t updated his online profile photo since the nineteen-eighties. Here’s a reminder, see. Obviously another Rogaine resistant scalp, else-wise why is the top of his head cut-off in profile photo? Is he from Remulak, a small village in France? Nahh, he’s from Brunswick, they make bowling balls and billiards in New Jersey! And of course, finding any recent photos of these cue ball blogtards is next to impossible, but fortunately I live right next door to the impossible, so feast your eyes on Grandpa Wantscox, here, ooh my freakin’ gosh, he looks like he hasn’t even graduated from using Windows 98SE, yet. Obviously his Depends hasn’t been changed in three days and his Cialis got mixed up with his diuretic medicine. He thought he could hide under a picture of Gruber on an iPhone, but we’re too clever for ya’ Methuselah. Now go back to your Morse key wireless set  and paper punch tape compiler, will ya’.

Remember Jarvis in Iron Man?

You know, the “voice” that ran the Stark mansion? Well, this guy made one. Check it out.

2010 and beyond

My God ...it's full of stars ... Dave.

Veritable tech grunt Sam Diaz takes a look at the present, the past and future of computing, because of the big media upset caused by the iPad. Personally, I’d say, the iPad is a major aftershock.


The first quake was a number of years ago when the first iPod hit the streets. It’s been very gradual conditioning every step of the way, and will continue to be,  until, finally, we’ll live in the true age of invisible computer appliances, everything just works, nothing arcane or strange to learn, completely natural gestures and communication to operate anything. Will that perhaps, be the long awaited, even feared, Singularity? Cool!

WiFi issues? iPad? You’re kidding?

Wait? Wait? Where's the magic? What? What? Dammmmmnnnn!!!! What's wrong, what's wrong?

Remember when the first iPhones came out and all of a sudden any public WiFi area experienced spotty and unreliable service? Remember a lot of iPhone users having problems connecting to WiFi networks? It’s happening with the iPad now that there are a few hundred thousand out in the wild. Can’t wait to see what happens when the 3G model hits the streets (I’m

There’s nothing wrong with the iPad. You screwed up the settings, douche-bag!

still holding out for the 4G model, sorry). There are a number of fixes being suggested by Apple, but this has certainly soured a number of users browsing experience already.

Just remember, people, this is all your fault!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Want to know how to transport your Ferrari F430?

Hint: Not like this.