I neglected to mention this last week after our shareholder meeting. But I really do hate these people. First they took cheap shots at Al Gore. Then they start telling us we have too much money in the bank, and should give it to them. Parasites, every last one of them. My message to all of you is simply this — instead of hassling my company, why don’t you go start your own?

It’s true that we’ve found a few cases where some of our suppliers have hired underage workers in China. To our credit, we published this information ourselves, on our Web site. Also, let’s be clear — we’re talking about 15-year-old kids, who lied about their age and pretended to be 16 so they could get a job. I know the press is going to go nuts about this, and you’ll be seeing sensationalist headlines about us hiring children to make iPods. Well, I suppose it sells papers. But the truth is, I was working when I was 15. I bet you were too. Didn’t hurt me, and I don’t think it hurt the kids who were working in our factories. But anyway, we all have to play along and pretend to be contrite. But the truth is, we treat the kids in our factories better than any other company on earth, and frankly, I’m damn proud of that.

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Eight months after the debut of their “iPhone-killer” Palm Pre, they’re missing their numbers and lowering guidance. CEO Jon Rubinstein, still in deep denial, actually says that Palm’s phones are the superest, bestest, most amazingest mobile phones in the whole wide world, yet somehow, curiously, “driving broad consumer adoption of Palm products is taking longer than we anticipated.” Amazing. Good night and good luck, you massive losers.

World’s greatest journalist Michael Wolff (photo, right) says today that the world maybe should be afraid of Apple and especially of me. The whole thing seems to have been prompted by the fact that we’ve wiped out a bunch of smutty porno apps from the App Store. Frankly I’m baffled. Who, other than 15-year-old boys, gives a rat’s ass about porno on their iPhone? Has Michael Wolff run out of interns to bang, and now he’s reduced to beating off to porn on his iPhone? If so, I weep for you, Michael Wolff. And I will pray for your soul.

Of course this sad shiny-headed onanist can’t just admit that he’s pissed about the fact that we’ve ruined his beat-off hobby, so instead he launches into a screed about how Apple is so controlling. Because what? Because we run a store and decide what stuff we’re going to sell in our store? Well, guilty as charged, Sir Flogs-A-Lot.

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More information here.

Don’t know if you’ve been following the little drama that’s unfolding for my very good friend Dr. Eric Schmidt, aka Dr. Strangelove. A few days ago the first-rate journalists at Valleywag uncovered a blog called Recovery Girl 007 which they claimed was being penned anonymously by an ex-journalist named Kate Bohner who also, supposedly, once had some kind of Tiger Woodsian connection to Dr. Eric Schmidt. On this blog Kate Bohner (real name? Ed.) referred to an ex-lover called Dr. Strangelove. This doctor was supposed to be friendly with Steve Jobs — so close, in fact, that he had shown Recovery Girl an early prototype of the iPhone, before it was released. Recovery Girl also described me as “just a stoned Jesuit priest lost in his garden.”

Now Valleywag reports that Dr. Strangelove has unleashed the fury of his lawyers on Ms. Bohner and forced her to take down her really wonderful site which described her journey through recovery from addiction to drugs. Valleywag points out, correctly, that this seems a bit hypocritical considering the way Eric is always going around touting the virtues of having all information flowing freely everywhere.

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Words fail me.

Eric got up at an all-hands meeting on earlier this month and told the company that they’re all switching to Macs. Reason: security. Not immediate, but imminent. Yes, Eric, we appreciate the business. But you are still a backstabbing douchebag. Sorry. You just are. And I will do everything in my power to destroy you and your company. Search deal with Bing? Why the hell not. Roll my own mobile ads with my own newly acquired ad company? You bet. Wherever possible, we are getting off the Google train. You’re dead to me, Eric. Dead.

And while I’m ranting, let me say one more thing. The big difference between Google and Apple is that we start out asking what’s best for the customer. We really do. Google, on the other hand, starts out by asking what’s best for Google, and then asks, how can we trick people into believing that this is good for them too? Hence, Buzz. And Chrome. And Chrome OS. And Android.

Also worth considering: We charge $99 per year for a MobileMe subscription. Google gives you the same stuff and all they ask for is, um, permission to totally invade your privacy and to “monetize” (God I hate that word) your personal information. You think your personal information is worth less than $99 a year? Then you’re getting a hell of a deal with Google. The rest of us would rather spent $99 and keep the contents of our email to ourselves.