Honestly, he won’t let it go. He’s calling me over and over saying, Wait until you hear the latest, you won’t believe what they’re saying now! As if I care. Jesus. I put my iPhone 4 down on the desk and let him rant for a few minutes while I do some work, then I pick up and pretend I’ve been listening. Larry’s position is that Hurd didn’t do anything wrong. He’s like, Look, it’s not like he was drugging teenage girls and raping them while they were passed out! I’m like, Wait, is that the new hurdle CEOs have to get over? As long as you’re not feeding them roofies and raping them, it’s okay? And Larry says, Look, don’t start, you’re not like the rest of us, you have no genitals, you’re a fucking Ken doll, you can’t understand the needs that a normal man has. To which I say, Dude, I saw the pictures of Hurd’s gal-pal, and honestly, I wouldn’t tap that with your dick. Larry says then at least there’s one thing we can agree upon, but as they say, De gustibus non disputandum est, to which I said, Stop showing off with your restaurant French, everybody knows you’re a dropout just like me.

Anyway. My own paranoid conspiracy theory is that this woman was probably a Microsoft plant. Because think about it. A few months ago HP shoved a fork in Ballmer’s eye when they bought Palm and, in effect, rejected Windows. So, Ballmer waits a little while and then bam — he knocks Hurd out of the box. Maybe this all sounds crazy but trust me, the Borg has these sluts planted everywhere. We all do it, actually. They work their way in on some CEO or other top manager; they gather evidence; and then when we’re negotiating something tricky and we need something, we pull the trigger. The slut springs a blackmail attempt or, in this case, a groundless sexual harassment claim which everyone knew would fail in court but was basically just a way to embarrass Hurd and knock him out of his job.

Ballmer doesn’t try planting whores around me, because he knows it’s pointless; I don’t allow anyone to touch me. And nobody bothers planting whores around Larry, because he hits anything that moves and makes no apologies for it, and if you try to sue him he’ll get you thrown into prison. He did that to that one woman, and after that the word got out real fast among the VIP hostesses and “marketing consultants” that you should not mess with Larry, because he will cut a bitch.

And change is good. Isn’t it? This is a song from a Rocky movie, played entirely on iPads. I’ll be honest. It’s not exactly what we envisioned when we first set out to create this history-making device. But it does inspire awe. Will we someday have entire orchestras playing iPads? I believe we will. Will I go sit through their performances? Probably not. But I will honor their efforts.

So some random analyst firm that nobody has ever heard of just reported that Android outsold iPhone in the United States last quarter, and people are losing their mud saying it’s all over for Apple, this is the tipping point, it’s game over, and blah blah. We’re deploying our blog ninjas to shoot this thing down — see MG Sieg Heil of TechCrunch arguing here that Android isn’t really winning because it runs on like a thousand different phone models and fifteen hundred carriers, while we only have one; see Gruber arguing here that (a) the real news is that RIM is screwed; (b) most of Android’s success comes from Verizon; and (c) we’d be winning if the analysts counted iPads and iPod Touch units when the compared us to Android, which they should do, even though they should also count iPad as a portable computer when they’re doing computer market share because when you do that we’re like far and away the biggest computer maker in the world; and see Dan Frommer of Alley Insider saying here that sure Android is gaining share but guess what, Google doesn’t make any money on it and Apple is making more money than any other company in the history of the world, so nanny nanny boo boo.

See, what we’re doing these days is we make a list of talking points and instead of giving all of them to everyone we split them up and give everyone a different part of the list. Katie calls it the “croque-monsieur” because the effect is that all of these different spinning points melt together and cover up the news, like hot cheese oozing between delicious bread and disgusting foul ham.

And then I swoop in here and deliver all of the talking points in one nice neat basket. To recap:

1. Android is on lots of phones, we’re on one.

2. BlackBerry is getting killed by Android. So go look at BlackBerry. Seriously, go look at them. Their antennas are having problems too, just FYI.

3. Whatever problems we have can be blamed on AT&T, which is the shittiest carrier in the world.

4. You have to look at the software platform, not the hardware device. When you do that, iOS is winning.

5. We make money on phones and Google doesn’t.

But wait, there’s more. The truth is, we know Google is going to have more market share than we do. Heck, let’s just say it — they’re going to dwarf us. We don’t care. We would rather have 10 percent of a gorgeous beautiful pristine market that we can completely own and control (read: huge margins) than have 90 percent of a bucket of shit.

That’s why I say we didn’t lose the PC war with Microosoft, because frankly, we were never competing with Microsoft. Apple and Microsoft were doing two very different things. And equally frankly, even now, if we didn’t have iTunes and iPods and iPhone and iPad, even if we were only talking about the personal computer (desktops and laptops) market, I’d much rather have our business (Macs and OS X) than theirs. Honestly. This isn’t spin.

It cracks me up when people say we’re doing the same thing in mobile that we did in personal computers and how this is some colossal mistake and somehow, apparently, everybody at Apple is just so stupid or blind that we can’t see that we’re doing this all over again even though everyone else in the world can see it and how can this be happening and oh my goodness isn’t it awful?

But what would you suggest we do? License iOS to HTC and Samsung and Motorola and everyone else, and then hire a zillion support engineers to mop up every mess they make with all their Frankenstein monster hardware designs?

Friends, listen up. We know what we’re doing. We’re doing it on purpose. We don’t need to be the biggest. Is Porsche the biggest? Or Mercedes? Or BMW? No, and they don’t want to be. Neither do we.

In three years, maybe less, Android will be way bigger than us. And we’ll have the better business.

Peace.