I mean we keep dropping hints, right? But they don’t get it. We’re like, Okay, we’re not going to run Flash on the iPhone, because, um, resource hog. Then we come out with iPad and we knock ourselves out bragging about how much processor power and battery life it has, but we still block Flash, because of, um, it makes Macs crash. So Adobe says fine, we’ll do this Flash Packager thing, so you won’t need to put Flash on the iPad, and we go, Uh, no, because of, intermediate layers and cross-platform tools. So now they say Okay, fine, we’ll rewrite that entire Wired app in Objective C, to meet your guidelines. Which means now we’re scrambling again to come up with yet another way to block them, and the best one we can come up with so far is that we’ll make rule that says media companies can only use third-party developers that are on our approved list, and then we’ll make a list that includes every company in the world except Adobe. Either that or we’ll say we’re only approving apps from magazines whose titles begin with the letters A through V and X through Z, and hope that maybe they don’t figure it out.
But then Katie “Sue Sylvester” Cotton is like, Why are you guys being such pussies? She goes, Steve, look, I was a mean girl in high school, and back in those days, in the 1970s, we used to have a name for girls like this. We called them Klingons, because they kept clinging on, geddit? And you need to trust me on this that the only way to deal with a Klingon is direct confrontation with phasers set to kill. Just tell her, look, I know we had sex that one time at that party where I was really wasted and I thought you were someone else, and I know it was a big deal for you because I’m really popular and you’re so not, but you have to understand. It’s not going to happen again. Okay? And then she’ll say, Wait a minute, you mean we’re breaking up, and you say, No, see, we were never going out, I just used you and now I’m done with you and I really don’t want you bugging me any more and if you keep it up I will get a restraining order and you’ll be so embarrassed that even the kids in band won’t hang out with you.
So I’m like, What? You want me to get a restraining order against Adobe? She’s like, No, Just tell them the truth. Remind them of that time you went to meet with Warnock and he told you he was focusing on Windows now instead of Macintosh and it was nothing personal they just needed to make a business decision, and you screamed at Warnock and had a tantrum in his lobby and said, I will fucking destroy your company! I will destroy you! I will make you come to me and beg for your life and I will just look at you and laugh! And then when your company is dead I will go to your neighborhood and burn down your homes and shoot your dogs and laugh as I listen to the lamentation of your women! Just wait and see! And then just tell them, Well, my dear friends, do you hear your women lamentationing? Because that day has now arrived.
And maybe Katie is right. So okay. Here goes.
Adobe, here’s the deal. I don’t like you. I never did. I just used you. Now you’re wondering why I keep avoiding you in the cafeteria at lunchtime and ignoring your increasingly pathetic texts. Adobe, the truth is, I’m just not into you. I know it hurts to hear that. At least, I hope it does. Does it? Good. Now go back to the weirdo kid table and eat your lunch, okay? Bye.