Happy Memorial Day.

In an alarming new trend, members of the media have been killing off their own credibility at an alarming rate in an effort to help a powerful corporation downplay a string of suicides at a labor camp manufacturing facility in China. All of these media outlets are promoting the ridiculous notion that Foxconn’s suicide epidemic is not an epidemic at all, because it’s way below the national average suicide rate in China. Why are so many members of the media suddenly committing professional suicide at such an alarming rate? Some believe the media workers can no longer bear the slow death of their industry and just want to end their misery. Others blame brutal working conditions, especially for those employed by online publications. These “bloggers” and “aggregators” spend 10 to 12 hours a day chained to computer monitors, doing incredibly boring and meaningless work, for little or no pay, and are routinely abused by their managers.

The latest to join the list are:

The Times Online which says something about throwing rice into the air and how you can’t control where it lands and therefore there is no “trend” at Foxconn.

PC World which urges readers to remember that “the number of suicides [at Foxconn] is only perceived as high.”

MacDailyNews, which cites an article in People’s Daily Online, “the organ of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China,” which reports that “this is an instance of media hysteria and disregard for statistical facts.” Highly recommended, MacDailyNews says. Because honestly, if you can’t trust the Central Committee, who can you trust?

People’s Daily Online, which provides intelligent, straightforward on that crazy hysteria, and determines that Foxconn is not to blame.

MacDailyNews again, which headlines a story, “Why Foxconn is not really experiencing a ‘Suicide Cluster’ and Apple isn’t to blame.”

The Unofficial Apple Weblog cites Gruber claiming that Foxconn is below the national average for China.

Tom Foremski at ZDNet who points out that France Telecom had a suicide epidemic and it was way worse than the one at Foxconn.

Tom’s Hardware, which compares Foxconn to the national average and finds those lazy, cowardly slackers at Foxconn falling far behind their countrymen.

Business Insider, which compares Foxconn suicide rate to that of all 50 states in the U.S. and finds, once again, Foxconn workers coming up short.

CrunchGear, which says Foxconn is nothing compared to Cornell, where kids are killing themselves all the time, and it’s not fair to blame Foxconn for its worker suicides because Foxconn actually treats them really well so there must be some other explanation.

Gizmodo, which cites the Telegraph and says it’s performing a “fact check” on this crazy notion that there’s a suicide problem at Foxconn. Again: media, not Foxconn, to blame.

Mashable, which repeats the claim about Foxconn being below the national average and gives Apple props for being “saddened and upset,” even though, when you think about it, there’s no real reason for us to feel upset, since there’s actually nothing bad or unusual happening at Foxconn, statistically speaking.

Cringely, who says, “not nearly as many workers are throwing themselves off the roof of that Foxconn factory in China as I would expect.” Yes, that’s right. He thinks there should be more suicides. Sigh.

ChinaDivide, which picks up on Cringely’s “I dare you” taunting tone and says that when compared to the national average, Foxconn’s suicidal workers are “far below the curve.”

Great work by all of you. You’ll all be on the shortlist for advance review units of the second-generation iPad.

Working together with our colleagues in the PRC’s propaganda ministry we have developed a great new counter-narrative that we’ve been pushing pretty hard in background conversations with friendly hacks. Basically it’s the notion that Foxconn’s suicide rate is actually below the national average of China, meaning that if you’re working at Foxconn you’re actually less likely to commit suicide. That’s right. The truth is, we are actually saving lives in China. We’re the Samaritans of China.

Anyway, obviously we can’t come out and just say this, because then we look callous and insensitive, so instead we have our PR guys tee this up with journalists. We steer the hacks to statistics on suicide provided by the World Health Organization, then we hit them with some stuff about how their fellow stupid hack journalists only write sensationalist shit about suicides because they don’t know how to perform even a basic statistical analysis — unlike you, Hacky McHackerson, who we’re sure will do the heroic, attention-getting thing and speak the unpopular truth about Foxconn suicides being a non-story.

Sure enough you now can see it showing up on Fast Company, then on ZDNet, whence it leapt to Daring Fireball (surprised?). It’s also on the Wall Street Journal and 9-to-5 Mac. Alley Insider has one saying that Foxconn’s suicide rate is lower than in all 50 of the US states.

So far nobody in the moronic hackery seems to have figured out how they’re being gulled, because (a) they’re liberal arts majors who don’t understand how to use statistics, and (b) they’re also pompous nitwits who are always looking for a chance to prove how clever they are, so they can feel superior to everyone else, especially their rival hacks.

But, see, arguments about national averages are a smokescreen. Sure, people kill themselves all the time. But the Foxconn people all work for the same company, in the same place, and they’re all doing it in the same way, and that way happens to be a gruesome, public way that makes a spectacle of their death. They’re not pill-takers or wrist-slitters or hangers. They’re not Sylvia Plath wannabes, sealing off the kitchen and quietly sticking their head in the oven. They’re jumpers. And jumpers, my friends, are a different breed. Ask any cop or shrink who deals with this stuff. Jumpers want to make a statement. Jumpers are trying to tell you something.

Also, consider this. Walmart has 1.4 million employees in the United States. Can you remember a time when 10 or 15 Walmart workers jumped to their deaths from the roofs of Walmart stores over the course of a few months? Have you ever heard of Walmart asking employees to sign a no-suicide contract, or putting safety nets up on all of its buildings? If this did happen, would you think maybe something is going on at Walmart? Or would you just say, well, 10 or 15 people out of 1.4 million is still waaaay below the national average?

Britain’s National Health Service has 1.3 million employees. Number of suicides last year involving NHS workers jumping from NHS buildings: zero. Indian Railways has 1.6 million employees. Can you recall the last time 10 or 15 of them threw themselves under trains over the course of a few months? Deutsche Post has half a million employees. Ever heard a story about a dozen of them hurling themselves into letter-sorting machines?

And yes, France Telecom did have a suicide epidemic last year. Guess what. Nobody went around saying that it was no big deal because it was still below the national average in France — instead the official explanation was that the suicides were caused by brutal management harassing workers. The Sarkozy administration took this seriously and got involved and at France Telecom a top executive actually resigned because of the tragedy.

All I can say is the French are just such huge pussies. They just don’t have the balls to pull off the kind of brazen spin that we do without even thinking twice.

Well, soon enough our line about national averages will play itself out, and people will start remembering Foxconn’s track record of overworking employees, violating labor laws, assaulting journalists, suing journalists, and using hired security goons to bust into apartments of employees and perform illegal searches.

That’s why we’re already trickling out our next counter-narrative, which is that this isn’t about Apple, because Foxconn actually assembles products for lots of companies, like HP, Dell, Microsoft, Cisco — everybody. You’ve probably seen it showing up here and there. You’ll see more of it soon, I promise.

So we’ve had another goddamn jumper. Luckily, this guy had signed the no-jump contract, meaning we can press charges against him for destruction of Apple property. We’ve already had Shenzhen police break down the little flap door to his sleeping cell and confiscate all of his property. We’re pretty sure we’ll get a conviction.

Meanwhile the politically correct pansies who run Foxconn are putting safety nets on all the buildings. Katie says if you get to the point where you’re putting safety nets on your buildings, this might be a clue that something’s wrong with your business. Her suggestion: Better PR, of course. The Chinese are good at many things, like assembling tiny components and handling hazardous materials. But when it comes to marketing and PR, they’re so far behind us it’s not even funny.

Apple faithful,

It is 1984 all over again. Once again, we are under attack. This time the enemy is Google, and make no mistake — they want to kill us. They want it all.

Which is why, once again, I am calling upon all of you to join the jihad and fight the good fight. If you hear someone saying that they’re thinking about getting an Android phone, don’t just sit there! Spring into action. Get right up in their face and tell them how fucking stupid they are because iPhone is still a million times better than Android and they obviously don’t know anything about technology and they are so going to regret going to Android because it is totally crappy and flawed and immature.

If they already have an Android phone, just scoff at them for being so stupid and for making such an idiotic decision. I mean really get into it. Start foaming at the mouth. Scream if you need to. By all means make it personal. Make fun of this person! Mock them! Tell them you wish they could be forcibly sterilized by the state so they could not reproduce and pass on their imbecile genes. Your goal is to reduce this person to a puddle of tears — and, by virtue of this shaming, to make them want an iPhone.

Maybe you’re saying to yourself, Hey, why do I care what phone some other person uses? I know why I love my Apple phone, but maybe it’s not for everyone, and that’s okay. It’s a big world out there, people have different tastes, and I don’t care what kind of car they drive or what kind of wristwatch they wear, or how they dress, so why do I care what phone they use, blah blah.

Well, wait a minute. Hold up. You do care what phone they use. You just do. For one thing, you have a lot of money and time invested in iPhone. Hell, you waited in line for the damn thing. Remember that? And remember how cool and special and powerful you felt when you whipped it out in public and everyone around you was like, Whoa, is that the new iPhone? Are you some kind of wizard? Do you have magic powers?

Well, the magic is under attack. That’s why you care. It’s not about Apple. It’s about you.

So here’s what to do. If the person is a friend of yours, you say you are only attacking and insulting them because you care about them and don’t want to see them make a terrible mistake. If the person talking about Android is a complete stranger — say, someone at a nearby table in a restaurant that you’ve overheard talking to someone else — you are still well within your rights as an Apple owner to interrupt their conversation in the context of wanting to “share facts” and “set the record straight.”

If they give you shit about walking over to their table and ranting at them over what they considered to be a private conversation, just point out that they are the ones who started it, by criticizing Apple in a public place and spreading lies and FUD and false information about Apple products. Even if they were just talking about Android and did not even mention Apple, that in itself constitutes an implicit criticism of Apple, and you have every right to act.

Now for the talking points. We’re going to be sending these out in a mass email to iPhone owners, and also including the talking points on the home screen the next iPhone OS upgrade so you’ll have them handy wherever you go. But here are a few things you should say to counter the Android FUD:

* Why do you hate Apple so much? You seem really defensive, and angry. You seem to be taking this all so personally. You need to let go of your ego. Everything is not all about you.

* Apps. There are way more apps on iPhone OS. This will never change. Whatever the world looks like right now, that’s how it will be forever. Android will never catch up.

* Power users versus regular folks. Fair enough, you’re a super techie and can handle Android. Apple is designed for regular people who don’t want to worry about technology. By adopting Android, and helping Google succeed, you are hurting the regular folks who want to use Apple. Somehow.

* Vaporware. Android 2.2, aka Froyo, does not even exist yet. Unlike iPhone OS 4.0, which has already been demonstrated in public.

* Multitasking. You don’t need it. It’s a total red herring. When was the last time you did more than one thing on a phone? Also: Apple will have multitasking soon, so the point is moot.

* Music. You realize that playing music is one of the most important things a phone must be able to do, right? Well, Apple invented this thing called iTunes. Have you heard of it?

* Fragmentation. I’m trying to remember, how many versions of Android are there? Like sixty? And each one has a different user interface, and they’re always updating and changing and you have to go look up to see if your phone will run the new OS and it’s just so confusing and you’ll be tearing your hair out. With Apple, just one system. Simple. Ahhh.

* Google is big and evil and wants to steal all your personal information. Apple is all about freedom. And magical, childlike wonder.

* Flash. Apple won’t support it, Google will. Guess what? Flash drains your battery, and makes your phone so hot that it will set your hands on fire. So, yeah. You’re welcome.

* Porn. Did you know that Android was created by Google to help porn merchants sell dirty filthy porn on mobile phones so that porn-loving perverts could look at their smutty porn 24 hours a day and probably molest your kids?

* AT&T actually much better than Verizon. Faster 3G. Talk and surf Web at same time. As for dropped calls, all I can tell you is it has never happened to me or anyone I know, and the media has blown that issue way out of proportion.

* Browser. Forget the benchmarks that Google provides and just trust your own eyes. Safari is the fastest browser in the market. It’s 5-10x faster than any other browser.

* Ads. Ours are made by Apple. Theirs are not. Enough said.

* Spyware. You won’t get it on Apple. Android is crawling with it. Also, viruses. You’ll get viruses just by turning on your phone. If you’re on your home network, the virus could jump from your phone to every device on your network, even your WiFi router, and you will never get it out. The virus will spy on you and take pictures of you as you’re working and post those pictures on Facebook along with your credit card numbers, Social Security numbers, and a list of everything you’ve ever bought online. So, good luck with that.

Because think about it. Why are these fuckers jumping out of buildings? What are they hoping to accomplish? Simple. They want to embarrass Apple — meaning, me — and make us — meaning, me — look bad. Truth is, this is all about me, and it has been from the start.

Well, excuse me, you ungrateful bastards, but what have I done that’s so awful? Other than giving you a great job where you build tremendous stamina and leg strength, with regularly scheduled bathroom breaks, a clean dorm to live in, two hot meals a day and $130 a month? That’s a pretty damn good deal. And this is how you repay me? By throwing yourselves off fucking buildings so that the sleazeballs in the media will jump all over it and blame it all on me?

Well, today Gizmodo has yet another report and this one even includes photos of the dead guy on the ground. Nice work, you sensationalist tabloid pricks. Nine suicides in five months and you want to make this out to be some kind of trend. Yeah. As if.

I’m especially appalled by the photos of the dead guy. You really think people need to see stuff like this? No, they do not. In fact this is exactly why we created iPad — because on the iPad eventually we’ll be able to block this kind of snuff porn. Right now we still have to deal with a general purpose browser. But down the road we’ll remove some functionality and add some content controls. We’ll call it Safari Plus, and tell you how magical it is, and people will line up to get it.

As for the jumpers, for those of you who are interested, I recommend taking a look at a document called Suicide Facts which attempts to explain why people do stuff like this. It even includes a section on suicide epidemics. Not saying that we have a suicide epidemic on our hands in China, because we certainly do not. In fact I’m not even saying that these people committed suicide, because that hasn’t been established.

The big point is that this phenomenon is nothing new, as explained in this bullet point about why groups of people commit suicide:

(4) Escape from an unbearable situation. This may be persecution, a terminal illness, or chronic misery. There is no lack of historical examples: Epidemics of suicide were frequent among Jews in medieval Europe; (sometimes they were given a choice between converting to Christianity and death). Later, both Indian and black slaves in the New World committed mass suicide to escape brutal treatment. One slave owner supposedly stopped such desertion among his slaves by threatening to kill himself and follow them into the next world, and impose worse repression there.

Not saying that our workers in China are slaves, or that they feel as if they are slaves, and I’m certainly not saying that I’m a slave owner, because I’m certainly not a slave owner, anymore than the mill owners who bought cotton produced in the South in the 18th century were slave owners, because they weren’t slave owners. All they did was buy the cotton.

That’s all I’m doing. Buying the cotton.

But again, the real point is that this has all happened many times before. This is nothing new. And it’s no big deal. You didn’t see the blogs and newspapers getting all hyped up about it when it was medieval Jews escaping persecution by the Roman Catholic Church, did you? No, you did not. Because the media gives the Catholics a pass.

But now that it’s us, well, that’s different. Now it’s Apple. Now it’s me. And honestly, when it comes to the media, I just can’t catch a break. Never have. Because Microsoft and Google and Adobe are out there promoting this story and pulling strings with their friends in the media to run these stories and try to smear us. It’s ugly and dirty and just plain wrong. Shame on you, media. Shame on you too, Foxconn jumpers. Shame on all of you.

This just kills me. Now Google is rewriting history. Instead of saying they stole from us, and moved into our market, now they’re saying that they’re the good guys trying to save the world from big bad Apple. The money quote:

“If we did not act, we faced a draconian future, where one man, one company, one carrier was the future.”

Remember that quote because I’m pretty sure it’s one that people will bring up in years to come.

Next we’ll have Schmidt saying that when he was on our board he realized that we had sneaky longterm plans to crush Google’s advertising business by introducing a new mobile ad system and choking off all the other ad sellers. He’ll probably also say that Google had no choice but to make its own phones, its own mobile OS, its own browser, because he realized, at some point, that even though I had put him on my board, I was secretly planning to fuck him.

And now they’ve a Chrome browser that’s better than Safari; a mobile operating system that’s better than iPhone OS; a zillion different pieces of hardware at all sorts of price points on all sorts of carriers; and they’re supporting Flash just to make us look like selfish fascist dicks.

I need to go sit in my meditation room and scream for a while.

We’re tuned in to the coverage on Business Insider and it appears they’re mocking me, mocking iPad, tethering an iPad to an Android phone (ha ha), also claiming they’re faster, and basically no longer even pretending that we are not totally at war. As Biz Insider says: “Talking smack on the iPad and its inability to play Flash videos. It’s on.” Showing some music stuff, like buying directly from the Web and streaming from a computer. “All of a sudden, with the touch of a button, you can now stream all your songs from your library to an Android device and interact with it as if it was really on your phone.”

And all I can think is, I trusted these fuckers, and they stole from me, and now they’re giving this shit away to the whole fucking world and yes there’s fragmentation and no control and porn and messiness, but Goddammit it feels like I’ve seen this movie before:

from: kazim obaid
to: stanley_yasmin@yahoo.com.au
date: Wednesday, May 19, 2010 at 5:21 PM
subject: CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL
mailed-by: gmail.com

Mr.Kazim Obaid
United arab Emirates.
REQUEST FOR URGENT ASSISTANCE.
Greetings From Dubai,

This message might meet you in (utmost surprise),however,it’s just my urgent need for foreign partner that made me to contact you for this transaction.I am a banker by profession from United Arab Emirates and currently holding the post of Director Auditing and Accounting unit of the bank.

I have the opportunity of transfering the left over funds ($17.5million)our bank deceased customer late Richard Burson, who died on (Egypt Air Flight 990) along with his family on a plane crash below.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/502503.stm.

Hence i am inviting you for a business deal where this money can be shared between us in the ratio of 50/40 while 10% will be mapped out for expenses. If you agree to my business proposal. further details of the
transfer will be forwarded to you as soon as i receive your return mail.

Respectfully yours

Mr. Kazim Obaid

——————–

from: sjobs@apple.com
to: kazim obaid
date: Wednesday, May 19, 2010 at 5:25 PM
subject: CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL
mailed-by: gmail.com

Kazim,

Your note seems to have been intended for someone else, but was forwarded to me somehow. I suppose you are surprised to be receiving email from the Steve Jobs, but in fact I often respond to emails, just like an ordinary person. It’s just how I am. For what it’s worth, if you want to avoid future misdelivered mail messages, you should drop gmail and get a me.com account. Works great on our magical new iPad, which should be available in your area later this year. Keyboard is very easy to use, despite what you may have heard. Peace to you and all your brothers in the UAE.