Imagine the look on your friend’s face when they turn on their iPad and see these.

Here El Jobso bestowes upon us his incredible device, and those unsavory elements in society are already attempting to compromise its greatness through petty theft. Pathetic.

And you also get a line of Peeps patiently waiting for the opening of their Apple Store. Personally, I’m a Cadbury Creme Egg guy myself.

For many techies, it was an iPad.  For me, a great Catbert sweatshirt, which you can conveniently order here.

It appears 600,000-700,000 units were sold Saturday, far exceeding this analyst’s expectations. Here are some shots of iPad lines near and far.

Juvenile delinquents smash an iPad with a baseball bat. This kind of negativity really upsets me.

Growing up in Louisville, I went to an Easter Egg hunt here for several years. Every year, they hid the Golden Egg somewhere in the front yard. The prize was always something great- a bike with a radio on the handlebars one year.  Like I’d ever seen that before. So one year- 1966- I found the Golden Egg.  I remember walking up to the very bush marked in red below. Initially, I thought it was a bird.  My mom said, “That’s the Golden Egg!” Score.

There it was, golden nirvana. I took it to the manager, a dude named Mr. Davidson. As 1966 was also the year of the new TV show Batman, I had already made the astute observation that Mr. Davidson closely resembled Cesar Romero. Anyway, I took the Golden Egg to Mr. Davidson, sizzling with excitement.  This is my Christmas Story moment, I suppose. I stood there waiting for the big prize.  And do you know what it was? A huge coconut cake in the shape of a lamb.  Huge.  I hated coconut then, and I hate it now. That cake sat in the freezer for months.

Mr. Davidson, wherever you are…I still want that radio.

What, you think I’m gonna’ use the word midget? That’s like saying the n-word to our height challenged differently-sized friends. [What the fuck is the PC phrase for these people, this week? Somebody call Bill Maher, he oughta' know.] Why do I think this reviewer, this Melissa J. Perenson, for the WaPo is, shall we say, tiny? She thinks the iPad is too heavy! Check it out folks:

The iPad measures just 0.5 inch thick, but I had some difficulty handling it over any extended period. At 1.5 pounds, and with dimensions of 9.6 by 7.5 by 0.5 inches, it was too heavy for me to hold in both hands for very long, let alone in one hand, as sometimes felt natural to do. The weight is a significant consideration if you plan on using the iPad as an e-reader.

After using it to read Winnie The Poo for ten minutes, she thinks she’s holding the entire printed edition of the Encyclopedia Brittanica. I mean, are you kidding me? Is somebody not eating their Wheaties™? Is somebody not getting enough calcium in their bodies? Does someone need Geritol®? Is somebody a wimp?

as Thumbelina in Total Recall

Jesus, Debbie Lee Carrington,

Debbie Lee Carrington, today, waiting for her iPad

the most excellent actress and stuntwoman from Total Recall has no problems toting around or reading the iPad. She wields that thing like it was part of her body, indeed, most people who get an iPad get fiercely attached to the device. If this Melissa J. Perenson is over four feet six and is under thirty five forty years of age and can’t handle holding an iPad for longer than the time it takes to scan a newspaper, I’m sorry, she has physical problems more serious than the rest of us and shouldn’t even be handling a Palm Pixi. I mean, this iPad was designed so even kids would hold on it to for hours on end. She must be panting when she picks up, say a celery stick or a salt shaker. My gosh, get this woman away from the office and into the clinic. And please, WaPo, get someone more robust to review Apple hardware next time. Double sheesh!!

It was on this day in 1975 that Bill Gates and Paul Allen founded Micro-Soft to develop and sell BASIC interpreters for the MITS Altair 8800, this anniversary being especially poignant in light of the recent passing of MITS founder Ed Roberts on April 1rst, Apple, Inc.’s thirty-fourth anniversary.