Ever since the TV deal broke I’ve been holed up in a bungalow at Chateau Marmont with a team of writers trying to put together a first season of my fantastic show for premium cable, and I’ve just had no time to blog. I had no idea this writing for premium cable would be this much work. Jesus. I mean you look at what comes out on TV and you think, Well, no disrespect, but you guys probably didn’t work too hard on this, right? I mean like maybe you slapped it together one afternoon and then brought in some bad actors and shot it in an hour or something. But no. These fucktards spend months on this shit! And the meetings! Endless fucking meetings! So everyone can share their little ideas on what’s working and what’s not. Good grief. If we ran Apple this way we’d be, well, Microsoft.
No, people. No. This cannot go on. El Jobso does not create by committee. If you want El Jobso, then you must let El Jobso do what he does. You must respect my process. I make my coffee strong. Some people, many people, cannot handle my potent beverage. But it is what I do. If you want some weak, watered down brew, well, you can make it yourself.
On the plus side, Lindsay Lohan has been staying here, and the other day I saw this. Fucking slaptastic. You know what? I am totally going to tap that. I know that is not such a great achievement anymore, not like it would have been a few years ago when she was still cute — like in the “Mean Girls” era. Nevertheless, I am going there. Yes, I am. I already said hi to her once, when we were passing each other in a hallway, and she was like, Hey, you’re, like, that guy, right?
Oh yes, my wasted, fire-crotched, freckled little flower. I am that guy. And you will be mine.