You gotta’ love Dear Leader. For Christmas, as a thank you gift for contributing to this weblog, he not only gifts me with an iTunes movie of one of the greatest Quentin Tarantino epics of 2009 (what, didn’t he shoot something in Japan, too?), the UPS man left on my door what turned out to be a genuine imitation sensory deprivation tank, like the kind Dear Leader uses to rejuvenate himself or ponder the mysteries of life or get inspiration for his next miraculous electronic endeavor that makes one quiver in their jodhpurs and fall to the floor in obeisance. Just having this gleaming pod of cosmic wonderment in my living room for the holidays made me the envy of the local inhabitants, except for a couple of backwoods hick types, who mistook it for a personal space-age grain silo, but I’m sorta gettin’ ahead myself here. Anyways, a few days ago, I get up the nerve to take my first solo. I follows the instructions on how to use this semi-faux Jobs-pod (219.55 liters special saline solution, 8.7 liters of cream of “magic mushroom” soup and 400 ug of Owlsey’s Best, stirred not shaken), take a quick visit to the john and apply “the device” so I don’t accidentally “evacuate” during my first trip, shower, dry, then return the to pod. In the short absence, the hickoids mentioned previously thought I was making some kind of “dry” mash concoction before distilling and had snuck in the shed where I had moved it, added some ingredients to the mix, that as of yet I still haven’t ascertained, to give it a special kick. Into the mess I go, and for the next ninety-six hours (I had planned a mere three hour cruise), I was astral projecting through time and space like David Bowman through the Star Gate at Jupiter. The term what a rush! doesn’t even begin to describe the orgasmic mind fuck that tub did to my consciousness. When I finally crash land back to terra firma, my very being feels shaken and stirred. Why doesn’t this thing come with a personal Yoda, I could have used a Jedi Master or four on that journey! It took me another day to decompress, during which, I discover all the wonderful things that happened in my absence, like Lindsey Lohan is now older and fatter looking than a cross between Britney Spears and Delta Burke dipped in bourbon, tobacco and dog feces.
Or that Walt Mosspuppet now refers to himself as Walt Mosspuppet instead of Walt Mossberg? What happened, did Goatberg finally pull his head out of his sanctimonious ass enough to discover the puppet and sicced the lawyers on the poor Canadian with his hand up Mosspuppet’s derrierre? Way to take a joke, Goattard, you afraid people are gonna’ mistake the puppet’s inane drunken ramblings from your own? That’s pretty goddamm insecure, if you ask me. Maybe it’s time you should hang up your Depends, old timer, and let some other young whippersnapper step in, someone who talks the same language as everybody else in the tech world, hmmm? Geez, and you know, didn’t it get less funny the exact moment the faux Walt said,”I-I-I-I’m Walt Moss-PUPPET…”? It’s like you’re watching James Woods being parodied on Family Guy, and suddenly, the cartoon breaks the fourth wall and says, “He’s not really James Woods, he’s only a cartoon and a voice actor we hired out of pity from a soup kitchen, but’s it’s a parody of James Woods, sorry we ruined your enjoyment of this lighthearted free entertainment!” No, bad example, Family Guy would actually do that as a joke, but, you get the idea, Mosspuppett after eight or nine months of saying ,”I’m Walt Mossberg, shut up!”, switching to saying he is a puppet is jarring and unfunny. How do you suppose Goattard found out? Did his online readership quadruple because YouTube fans Googled Mossberg online and started reading the actual Mossberg’s stuff? If that happenend, Walt better cough up some Canadian coin for the puppet that increased his traffic. Which makes him an ingrate,too. Goddamm, when Hoggworks did a Jobs puppet for a three second appearance, the real Steve was so touched and affected, when Moshe paid a visit, he only trepanned the interns and let the rest of crew off with a warning and a free Nano. That’s humanity, I’m tellin’ ya’!
Goatturd, you better get a sense of humor quick – or the shitstorm is going to get worse, you heard it from me.
I’m Andy Rooney
- and I still look like a turtle!
kudos to Brinke for excellent posts during my skylarking